7w 4d - thoughts on motherhood

I've been having a lot of thoughts floating around lately...

• Sometimes I feel pretty inadequate.  I've been reading blogs lately written by some pretty amazing women who seem to accomplish so much every day.  One who has 4 children, teaches university classes because she has a Masters so that her husband can finish his PhD without any debt, and she's not even 30 yet.  And just others who are amazing women who seem to have so many interests and abilities.  I'm feeling like... wow... I'm pretty lame.  I don't have many interests or hobbies outside of my family life.  I think that's a good thing... that my family makes me happy... but maybe I should be broadening my horizons a bit?  Learning more about different things?  Who knows.  


• I told Jake the other day that it just feels like my sphere of influence is very small.  Other women seem to do so much charity work and serve people outside of their families... but I don't do a whole lot of that.  I feel like I need to do better there.  To at least do my visiting teaching every month.  (I don't have a route right now, but will soon, hopefully.)


• What am I teaching Lila?  I feel like I don't do much "structured" teaching... should I be?  I feel like I need to be more often verbally teaching her about prayer, scriptures, Christ, Heavenly Father, etc.  


• Feeling exhausted lately... physically and mentally.  It's so hard to want to do anything.


• I still have a hard time believing that we're having another baby.  Probably because it's still so early yet and I don't want to get too "attached" yet in case something happens.  But I'm starting to get the feeling that everything will be ok.  


• Jake keeps referring to the baby as a boy.  He really wants a boy next and it's no secret.  I'm starting to think of the baby as a boy too... but maybe just because Jake's so insistent.  I can see us having another girl too though... and I can't lie, I would love that.  I would love two little girls... for Lila to have a sister.  We wouldn't have to buy a lot of clothes.  And I have a lot more girl names than boy names that I like.  And, I feel like I just would bond easier with girls.  Still.  But, as long as he/she is healthy... really.


• This weekend I really started feeling... pregnant.  It took all the motivation I had to get into the shower, which is something I usually really love.  Feeling a little down in the dumps.  Today was tough at times.  Felt like crying.  I just want to be with Jake now... just want to be near him.  I love him a lot, but moreso when I'm pregnant, I think.