A talk with Jake

Before bed last night (Tuesday), Jake and I talked on the phone for really the first time since he's been gone.  Which had only been a day, but it felt like a lot longer.  He said that he'd done a lot of thinking about me and my role as a mother.  He remembered the time, early on in our dating, when we were talking about our patriarchal blessings.  I remember this too.  We were sitting in the Astro Van (classy!) in my high school parking lot at night, it was winter.  Around 7 years ago.  In my blessing, it says that I will marry an honorable priesthood holder in the temple, and that out of our marriage we will have a fine family, be able to raise them in a household of faith and in the context of gospel principles, and that I will be able to provide them with all that they need to be happy and healthy.  He remembers thinking that that was exactly what he wanted for his family and his children, and that the Spirit confirmed to him that I would be a good mother.  He said that that spiritual confirmation he received then carried him through the times when I was pretty crazy during our engagement :)

Anyway.  He just told me that he really appreciates the hard work I do.  And that he thinks it is so important and so wonderful that I can be there with our children all day, teaching them and loving them.  He said he thinks I'm a very pure and righteous woman, and that will rub off on our children.  He was thinking about how the thing about parenting is... we take what our parents did with us and refine their methods.  We take what worked and what was good, and we try to change what wasn't.  His parents are a refined version of their parents, he is a refined version of them, and our kids will be a refined version of us.  It just sounded like he realized how much of an influence that we have on our children, and especially me, because I will spend so much time with them.

I told him about a game Lila and I play... usually when she wakes up from her naps, we'll lay in bed for a while and play peek-a-boo with the pillows and her blankie, and I'll throw pillows at her and we'll tickle each other.  So yesterday while I was tickling her (it always amazes me that kids love to be tickled so much and adults hate it), she wanted me to sing a song (currently her faves are Twinkle Twinkle and Row, Row, Row Your Boat).  I think it was a way to distract me from tickling her, lol.  but after every line of the song, I would tickle her, and she'd laugh and laugh.  It was a lot of fun.  Jake said that he loved hearing that, and that those little moments like that are what builds the strong, eternal bond between me and Lila.  I believe that too.

Anyway, I then told him that I appreciate his love and support.  He was being very sincere, and it was nice to hear... because a lot of times, he just doesn't seem to "get" things :)  I also told him that I think it's funny he thinks I'm so pure and righteous, because I don't feel like I'm like that.  There are a lot of moments, and I probably have at least one every day, where I feel bored or feel maybe a little jealous of him getting to go to work, and miss him, and not exactly enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom.  But I do it anyway, out of love, and because I know it's the right thing for me to do, and I love our children.  He pointed out that I do it out of duty, and sometimes that's true, and that's fine.  He said that that's something important we need to teach our kids... to do certain things out of duty, even when it's not the most exciting thing we could be doing.  It seems like there are some women, like Melissa, who absolutely love being a mom and a homemaker and running a household... and I love being a mom, but it's hard work and it doesn't always come naturally to me.  (The loving Lila part comes naturally, but all the other stuff doesn't.)

He thinks that it's simply who I am as a person that will bless our children and family so much.  That means a lot to me.  I told him that I don't think I'm extraordinary, but that I have been blessed to have been taught a lot of really great skills about parenting and communication that will help me be successful and raise happy and healthy children.  I feel very confident in my ability to do those things and to raise them to be successful and happy.  He thinks that I will teach them how to be happy and healthy by the way that I live my life.  I also feel blessed to not feel drawn outside the home.  I know a lot of people and women feel the need to be involved in outside activities to feel happy and fulfilled, and that's great.  I do need a break once in a while, but for the most part, what brings me the most joy is my family and being with them.  The thing that makes me the happiest is having Jake home with us :)  I think that's a real blessing from Heavenly Father... and that I have the instinct to know how to prioritize things within my family and to be able to say no to things that aren't essential to our eternal happiness and success.  I'm not perfect at it, I know, but I think that's something that I do well and that will serve us well.

Anyway.  It was a good conversation, and it was nice to connect like that even when we weren't together.  I feel so blessed to be his wife and to be the mother to such a wonderful little girl.  We're so excited to meet our little boy.  I'm starting to get more excited all the time.  Up to this point, I've mostly been nervous, but I'm starting to feel reassured that everything will be ok and work itself out.  I don't need to worry.  Heavenly Father will help me and will help our family.  It's just so amazing and hard-to-believe that I will love this child as much as I love Lila.  That he will be just as much a part of our family as Lila and that we'll love him so much.  Jake said he's so excited to just hold him and to fall asleep with him on his chest in the recliner.  He said he remembers doing that with Lila, and he misses it a lot, because Lila doesn't usually like to snuggle with him.  He said that it went by so fast, and it did. He's really excited to have a son.  I'm just so blessed to have my family.