A talk with Jake

Before bed last night (Tuesday), Jake and I talked on the phone for really the first time since he's been gone.  Which had only been a day, but it felt like a lot longer.  He said that he'd done a lot of thinking about me and my role as a mother.  He remembered the time, early on in our dating, when we were talking about our patriarchal blessings.  I remember this too.  We were sitting in the Astro Van (classy!) in my high school parking lot at night, it was winter.  Around 7 years ago.  In my blessing, it says that I will marry an honorable priesthood holder in the temple, and that out of our marriage we will have a fine family, be able to raise them in a household of faith and in the context of gospel principles, and that I will be able to provide them with all that they need to be happy and healthy.  He remembers thinking that that was exactly what he wanted for his family and his children, and that the Spirit confirmed to him that I would be a good mother.  He said that that spiritual confirmation he received then carried him through the times when I was pretty crazy during our engagement :)

Anyway.  He just told me that he really appreciates the hard work I do.  And that he thinks it is so important and so wonderful that I can be there with our children all day, teaching them and loving them.  He said he thinks I'm a very pure and righteous woman, and that will rub off on our children.  He was thinking about how the thing about parenting is... we take what our parents did with us and refine their methods.  We take what worked and what was good, and we try to change what wasn't.  His parents are a refined version of their parents, he is a refined version of them, and our kids will be a refined version of us.  It just sounded like he realized how much of an influence that we have on our children, and especially me, because I will spend so much time with them.

I told him about a game Lila and I play... usually when she wakes up from her naps, we'll lay in bed for a while and play peek-a-boo with the pillows and her blankie, and I'll throw pillows at her and we'll tickle each other.  So yesterday while I was tickling her (it always amazes me that kids love to be tickled so much and adults hate it), she wanted me to sing a song (currently her faves are Twinkle Twinkle and Row, Row, Row Your Boat).  I think it was a way to distract me from tickling her, lol.  but after every line of the song, I would tickle her, and she'd laugh and laugh.  It was a lot of fun.  Jake said that he loved hearing that, and that those little moments like that are what builds the strong, eternal bond between me and Lila.  I believe that too.

Anyway, I then told him that I appreciate his love and support.  He was being very sincere, and it was nice to hear... because a lot of times, he just doesn't seem to "get" things :)  I also told him that I think it's funny he thinks I'm so pure and righteous, because I don't feel like I'm like that.  There are a lot of moments, and I probably have at least one every day, where I feel bored or feel maybe a little jealous of him getting to go to work, and miss him, and not exactly enjoy being a stay-at-home-mom.  But I do it anyway, out of love, and because I know it's the right thing for me to do, and I love our children.  He pointed out that I do it out of duty, and sometimes that's true, and that's fine.  He said that that's something important we need to teach our kids... to do certain things out of duty, even when it's not the most exciting thing we could be doing.  It seems like there are some women, like Melissa, who absolutely love being a mom and a homemaker and running a household... and I love being a mom, but it's hard work and it doesn't always come naturally to me.  (The loving Lila part comes naturally, but all the other stuff doesn't.)

He thinks that it's simply who I am as a person that will bless our children and family so much.  That means a lot to me.  I told him that I don't think I'm extraordinary, but that I have been blessed to have been taught a lot of really great skills about parenting and communication that will help me be successful and raise happy and healthy children.  I feel very confident in my ability to do those things and to raise them to be successful and happy.  He thinks that I will teach them how to be happy and healthy by the way that I live my life.  I also feel blessed to not feel drawn outside the home.  I know a lot of people and women feel the need to be involved in outside activities to feel happy and fulfilled, and that's great.  I do need a break once in a while, but for the most part, what brings me the most joy is my family and being with them.  The thing that makes me the happiest is having Jake home with us :)  I think that's a real blessing from Heavenly Father... and that I have the instinct to know how to prioritize things within my family and to be able to say no to things that aren't essential to our eternal happiness and success.  I'm not perfect at it, I know, but I think that's something that I do well and that will serve us well.

Anyway.  It was a good conversation, and it was nice to connect like that even when we weren't together.  I feel so blessed to be his wife and to be the mother to such a wonderful little girl.  We're so excited to meet our little boy.  I'm starting to get more excited all the time.  Up to this point, I've mostly been nervous, but I'm starting to feel reassured that everything will be ok and work itself out.  I don't need to worry.  Heavenly Father will help me and will help our family.  It's just so amazing and hard-to-believe that I will love this child as much as I love Lila.  That he will be just as much a part of our family as Lila and that we'll love him so much.  Jake said he's so excited to just hold him and to fall asleep with him on his chest in the recliner.  He said he remembers doing that with Lila, and he misses it a lot, because Lila doesn't usually like to snuggle with him.  He said that it went by so fast, and it did. He's really excited to have a son.  I'm just so blessed to have my family.

Tonight With Lila

Tonight I had bedtime duty by myself because Jake had his meeting. Since Lila slept in till nearly 10 today, I knew it would be a late night. (She was up crying in pain at 1am last night. Finally got her calmed down and she wanted to watch the Backyardigans, so I let her because I figured/hoped she would fall asleep doing so. Nope. She finally fell asleep again at 2:30.).

After I took a shower and she took a bath, we got our jammies on and went downstairs to play. I watched The Office and she played Daddy's drums. And we had snacks.

And then we sat upstairs together for the best hour of my day. We read scriptures and then she spent a long time gently wiping her face with a baby wipe. She loves being clean. She sweetly hopped back and forth across the couch, from my arms to the other end. She held me tight when the train went by because it was scary. And then she held me for a while just because she liked it. Oh, how I love that little girl. She is so sweet. I feel so blessed to be her mommy and to be her favorite person in the world, for now anyway.

I think she's going to be a wonderful, nurturing older sister. She's so helpful and gentle and follows directions very well for a little one her age. I can tell that she and I are going to be great friends someday. It is one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life to nurture her and our relationship as mother and daughter.

The Women of God

"The Women of God"
Neal A. Maxwell
April 1978

You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.

When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this.

No wonder the men of God support and sustain you sisters in your unique roles, for the act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.

We are deeply grateful for your enduring us as men when we are not at our best because—like God—you love us not only for what we are, but for what we have the power to become.

Finally, remember: When we return to our real home, it will be with the “mutual approbation” of those who reign in the “royal courts on high.” There we will find beauty such as mortal “eye hath not seen”; we will hear sounds of surpassing music which mortal “ear hath not heard.” Could such a regal homecoming be possible without the anticipatory arrangements of a Heavenly Mother?

Stand Strong Against the Wiles of the World

Quotes from President Hinckley's address to the Relief Society, during which the Proclamation to the Family was first read.  Found here.

To you wives and mothers who work to maintain stable homes where there is an environment of love and respect and appreciation I say, the Lord bless you. Regardless of your circumstances, walk with faith. Rear your children in light and truth. Teach them to pray while they are young. Read to them from the scriptures even though they may not understand all that you read. Teach them to pay their tithes and offerings on the first money they ever receive. Let this practice become a habit in their lives. Teach your sons to honor womanhood. Teach your daughters to walk in virtue. Accept responsibility in the Church, and trust in the Lord to make you equal to any call you may receive. Your example will set a pattern for your children. Reach out in love to those in distress and need.

It is the home which produces the nursery stock of new generations. I hope that you mothers will realize that when all is said and done, you have no more compelling responsibility, nor any laden with greater rewards, than the nurture you give your children in an environment of security, peace, companionship, love, and motivation to grow and do well.

The more surely you rear your children in the ways of the gospel of Jesus Christ, with love and high expectation, the more likely that there will be peace in their lives.

Set an example for them. That will mean more than all the teaching you can give them. Do not overindulge them. Let them grow up with respect for and understanding of the meaning of labor, of working and contributing to the home and its surroundings, with some way of earning some of their own expense money. Let your sons save for missions, and encourage them to prepare themselves, not only financially, but spiritually and in an attitude to go out to serve the Lord without selfishness of any kind. I do not hesitate to promise that if you will do so, you will have reason to count your blessings.

May the Lord bless you, my beloved sisters. You are the guardians of the hearth. You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God. May you be strengthened for the challenges of the day. May you be endowed with wisdom beyond your own in dealing with the problems you constantly face. May your prayers and your pleadings be answered with blessings upon your heads and upon the heads of your loved ones. We leave with you our love and our blessing, that your lives may be filled with peace and gladness. It can be so. Many of you can testify that it has been so. The Lord bless you now and through the years to come, I humbly pray in the name of our Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.

"It has to be me."

Today's CJane post.



It all started when I stopped hearing the slamming of the toilet seat throughout the day, the productive sound of The Chief getting his business done all by himself. It was also the sound of me patting myself on the back for teaching my child independence. Hooray for us both.

But those absentee slams were a clue to my finding out he was peeing in his closet. Behind the closed doors. Which, to be fair, I had heard of other boys doing, but still...

Then I started to notice his appetite was minimal and his treatment of sippy cups with milk was preferential--so preferential he didn't want anything else. Instead of the routine sippy in the morning and one at night, it was like I was running a all-day toddler bar, mixing up milky sippys at all hours.

And he couldn't sleep through the night. He'd wake up screaming, sweaty and restless.

I waited for time to pass to see if this was a fluid phase. Nothing seems to last long in toddler life. But after a few weeks I decided to dig deeper.

I prayed.

And in that prayer I felt like The Chief's problems were as easily solved by my attention, my adoration and most of all my teaching him more about things--whatever comes up--rockets, robots or light sabers. But this revelation I easily whisked off with, I spend most of my life with that boy, and when it's not me he has Daddy. How much more could he need?

But Sunday was the worst. The behavior was hard to ignore. His acting out was followed by quick Sorry Mommy which broke my heart. It was like he knew he was doing wrong, but couldn't help himself. And so I was sent to my knees again.

Then Uncle Jeremy showed up for dinner. Uncle Jeremy (previously referred to as MD around here) is a pediatrician with an emphasis in child and adolescent psychiatry. I try really hard not to plug into his profession but I couldn't help but pour my heart out when he walked in the door.

"I think it's regression," I said.

"Have you talked about this baby coming?" he asked.

"A little."

"I know you are probably tired and sick, have you been able to give him one on one time lately?"

"Not really."

I thought about how zapped I have felt lately. The heat? The pregnancy? Stress? I am not so busy as I am distracted. Last week I started to think about getting ready for the new baby and that process sent me into a new dimension. Little onesies with little socks and little wash cloths. But whatever the distraction it came with a justification: Chup's home right now, he can give them what they need while I just . . . just . . . get my bearings.

This was interrupted by Jeremy's intense look in my direction.

"It has to be you," he said to me with this eyes as blue as they were serious and kind. "I mean, you are the established nurturer. Look at it this way, whenever he comes asking for a sippy, think of it as him asking for more of you. And it has to be you."

Of course it does. It's always been me. And though I spend mostly all of my time at home with him, I had not been giving my son the richest part of myself. The part that is true and real and honest. He was just getting the crusty outsides that don't satisfy his daily allowance. I was starving my son of myself.

And then boy, did I well up.

Not because I felt guilt, but because I suddenly realized how important I am. Not me as me, but me as a mother. I am important because I am The Chief's mother. I am his everything. And my half-nutrient attention will directly affect his holistic progression. He needs me to look at him every day and reassure him that he is important too. And it has to be me. It has to be me.

And it makes me think. In our church we baptize children at eight years old. I've mused that perhaps it's because it takes eight years for the veil of heaven to be completely removed from the consciousness. Up until eight years old the parent, specifically the mother, has to be body and spirit for both beings. The connectedness to my newborns--the consuming of my physical and emotional energy--has always been overwhelming. Slowly it tapers off, but I miscalculated how much my three year old would require. It was more than I was giving.

So today after our work was done we read books. We made rocket ships and robots out of the letter A. We played Wolves and Fairies on the piano, we made cookies and had a break dance battle on the soft carpet in the front room (he won, killer head spin). We sat down and ate lunch together. He gladly drank out of a non-sippy receptacle. He volunteered to get in the tub (who is this child?) and just before tucking him into bed I heard a familiar sound. A sound I hadn't heard in ages.

Clank and slam.

We're making progress again.