Mike: Regarding her comment on expectations, do you think it would stand to reason that although she doesn't think she has many right now, over time she will develop them? I tend to think so. I also tend to think that this is why my relationship with her is so much more stable than Jason and Megan's... because I have and know what my expectations are, so I'm able to voice them. Whereas Jason doesn't have the experience to identify what his are, but he knows that he has them and that they aren't being met, which is why he's frequently frustrated with his relationship. I want C to view the fact that I have and verbalize my expectations as a good thing and realize that our relationship is better off because of it. Lund wants us to make our expectations known. I'm sure she has lots of them and just doesn't realize them as such yet.
Rudi: Yeah, your experience with Kalina makes it so that you know more of what you want and don't want in a relationship. While you were dating Kalina, you may have had some expectations but didn't know exactly what they were or how to communicate them. Cassandra is in that place right now... not having the experience to know some things about relationships. And that's not a bad thing at all because she just hasn't had the same life experiences as you.
Mike: Right on.
Rudi: I'd guess that most LDS people when dating, if they haven't been married before, don't know exactly what they want or expect except for some general things. I think back to when Jake and I were dating, and I knew that I loved and trusted him, that he was a good man and would take care of me, etc, but we didn't talk a lot about the issues you have with Cassandra... I think that Kalina cheating on you, and a lot of the other crazy things she did, makes it more important to you to make sure certain things are clear before you get married again. But it's really important to be sensitive to C's needs and situation because she hasn't been cheated on and is coming into this relationship very naive and not as "jaded." Some of your concerns probably come off as a little harsh to her because she hasn't been hurt like you have.
Mike: Yeah, that's true. I'm also trying to balance that we cover enough ahead of time though. Like Rich said, because we aren't young lovers, it is important for us to clear some ground ahead of time that wouldn't normally need to be cleared before marriage. It definitely takes some effort to balance it all. I think that probably the real issue is that she's struggling to see herself focusing on just one person in her life. She's used to focusing on 900 people. So, to transition to just one might seem undesirable or insurmountable to her. But, centering and focusing our lives on one person is in my mind a part of our marriage covenant. It could be that she wants to fulfill that, but really doesn't see how that could ever work for her. Who knows, maybe she'll need to pray to the greater beauty in the unity of marriage and for the desire to want that unity and companionship more than anything else in her life. Sometimes we have to pray for our hearts to be turned towards righteous desires because they don't always come naturally. And I might ask her at some point if that's the case. You know, if she wants that unity in marriage and is working towards it or trying to attain it, or if she doesn't want it because that's not how she pictures herself living her life.
Rudi: Yeah, the balance is the hard part. All my friends would just tell me to relax a little bit and not be so serious, because I tended to be. Things work themselves out and if you try to rush things it can hurt the relationship. Something I think that would help C feel more understood and less scrutinized would be to ask her what weaknesses she sees in you... or things that you could work on. Something like that.
Mike: Hmm. Interesting point. Too bad I don't have any. :) Jk. But I might give her that opportunity when we're driving up north. I dunno.
Rudi: You should :) It's a practice in humility and something that helps a relationship and marriage... being able to talk about our own weaknesses and shortcomings
Mike: I don't have a problem with it. I just feel apprehensive about investing in our relationship in that way right now. I'll just have to wait and see what it's like when she gets home.
Rudi: Well you talk a lot about some of her weaknesses and shortcomings together, so maybe talking about some of yours might help her and you too?
Mike: It will probably be a good thing to do. We'll see how this week goes.
Rudi: Yeah, hopefully it's a good week.
An email I wrote him this afternoon --
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Rudi Betzold
To: Mike Betzold <mjbetzold@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 3:41 PM
Subject: thoughts
From: Rudi Betzold
To: Mike Betzold <mjbetzold@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 3:41 PM
Subject: thoughts
Hey Mike,
Spent some time this afternoon thinking about the conversations we had earlier, on the phone and texting. I think that you're right about about a lot of things... Cassandra is probably having a difficult time adjusting to focusing her life on just one person. Her personality type is that of a "people pleaser" too, which makes it harder... and her family makes it harder... and so does being 6 hours away... and the fact that she's been single for so long. There definitely is a balance you need to work towards to make sure that you're covering the things that are important to you while still having fun together and enjoying the dating process--it's supposed to be fun--and showing her that you love and adore her.
I feel prompted to encourage you to look for the divine within Cassandra. I know that you do this already, and those wonderful qualities she has are what attracted her to you in the first place. You're in sort of a rough patch in your relationship now, and there will probably be a lot more in the future, (long distance relationships are really tough!) but don't give up hope on her. She's worth fighting for and waiting for. I know it would be easy to just hope for a girl who's ready to leave everything she has for you. Some women are like that, but a lot of women aren't. Some women have not been given the love and nurturing they needed as youth and as young adults to be confident in their roles as future wives and mothers. We know that Cassandra's mother and sisters haven't been encouraging to her in this aspect at all. Women need to be nurtured in order to bloom and feel confident in their abilities. You can be that nurturing person in her life, cultivating all of her lovely, God-given qualities. You have such an important role.
I read a talk today by President Hinckley... he's one of my favorite people in the world and I've always loved reading his words, especially those addressed to the women of the Church. I just feel so loved and important and confident in my role as a woman after reading his words, he's so encouraging. If you have time, read some of his talks addressed to the sisters of the church. I feel like every person should have an understanding like he does of the role of women and the importance of eternal marriage. Some of these quotes stood out to me --
Every woman is a daughter of God. You cannot offend her without offending Him. I plead with the men of this Church to look for and nurture the divinity that lies within their companions. To the degree that happens, there will be harmony, peace, enrichment of family life, nurturing love.
The women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.”
They stand out to me because I have felt that very same love from Jake, every day of my life, since I've known him. As cheesy as it sounds, Jake has always given me wings to fly, and I love him for it. I know that to most people, and probably to you, Jake seems like an (overly?) confident, kind of cocky, smart-alecky kind of guy. Maybe kind of prideful and very sure of himself. But, surprisingly, in private, he is the most gentle, kind, tender, humble, Christlike man I've ever known. He's never said an angry word to me. He's never belittled me or said a hurtful word about me. He has always tried to build me up. I've always felt like he is on my side... he's accepted my family as his own, he's ignored a lot of my weird tendencies completely, he focuses on the positive things about me and compliments me daily. I have felt like he is my teacher, my equal, my companion. I have a deep testimony of the wonderful things that the love of a good man can do for a woman. When we met, I was this young, naive, emotional, kind of bratty 18-year-old, but he was patient with me and has nurtured me into becoming a woman that I'm proud of being. I feel like I owe so much of my happiness in this life to him and it brings me to tears just thinking about how grateful I am for him.
I share this with you because I believe that Cassandra is very similar to how I was as a young girl, even though she's 26 now. She is a tender-hearted girl who needs to be nurtured. I believe that you can be the person that cultivates her wonderful qualities and help her grow confident in her role as a wife and mother. It will require a lot of patience. You will need to be very gentle and careful about how you address some of your concerns with you. You need to trust her and tell her that. Build her up. She will love you for it and be drawn to you, want to leave all that she has to follow you. You're a good man, Mike, and have so much power within you to change her life.
And, if it ever turns out that Cassandra isn't "the one," this applies to whoever you marry. Even women who are happy and willing to leave all they have to be married and become mothers need building up and nurturing. Your future daughters will too. Just felt prompted to share this with you today.
Stay strong brother and have faith :) there are a lot of good things in store for you.
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