Getting Ready to Go

Jake's loading up the car.  We're planning on getting up at around 3am to leave for Ironwood.  It's pretty crazy, but I think it'll help a lot with Lila.  It will probably take ~13 hours to get there, give or take.  I think she'll be pretty cranky by the time we get there tomorrow... and I'm sure I will be too.  I've been really tired the past few days and haven't been getting enough sleep.  This car ride won't help either, because I usually don't sleep well in the car.  So, we'll see.

It's been a busy few days trying to get everything ready.  The house is a mess, and I hate leaving for vacation with the house being a mess, but oh well.  Emily is going to house sit while we're gone, so she'll probably do some picking up for us.  That works out well.  

Excited to see everyone.  It's going to be a crazy week.  I'm nervous about how Lila will do, but I'm sure everything will work out.  At least I'll have Jake's help all week.  I'm excited to spend 10 days with him.  We're so busy lately and seems like we don't have enough time for each other, to just relax.

We stayed up late talking last night, which was nice.  He was promoted yesterday, Director of Production.  Jen told him that his next promotion will be as VP of Operations and she said it will come with a BIG raise... don't know when that'll be.  Jake gets his own office now instead of a cube.  He's really, really excited about this opportunity.  We talked last night about how crazy it all has been, our life since we've been married.  Heavenly Father has orchestrated all of it, and it's so apparent now.  When we were engaged, and I was just 18 and he was 21 (it seemed so old back then but seems sooo young now), before he even had an interview at Stryker, we were telling people that we'd move to Kalamazoo after Jake graduated because he had a job there.  We just knew it was going to happen for us.  And if he hadn't worked at Stryker, he wouldn't have known Kevin Staples, who at the time was the Stake Clerk.  When Kevin became Bishop, he recommended Jake to be called as Clerk, because he knew Jake and his abilities well from work.  If Jake hadn't had that calling, he wouldn't have met and become friends with Josh Little, who was serving as Executive Secretary.  And it was Josh Little who got him the job with Maestro.  So many little things working together for our good.  And we're so grateful.

Moments with Lila

Lila has been awesome lately.  Yesterday I was playing in the driveway with her.  She was sitting on her little tricycle and had pushed herself onto the grass and was "tuck."  She was pointing over at Toby and Brody's yard and I was explaining to her that they weren't home.  She was talking to me, not saying real words of course, but she was trying so hard to tell me that she wanted to go over there.  There was a moment when she was babbling and her eyes were so expressive and she looked right at me, and it hit me, This kid is my daughter!  She is trying to talk to me!  Sometimes I forget that she's actually mine. Maybe it's because she doesn't look like me at all, but sometimes there are moments where it's undeniable.  Looking forward to watching her learn and grow all my life.

Then last night she woke up crying an hour after we put her to bed.  Her teeth were hurting her.  She didn't want to go back to bed, so Jake and I took her to the basement with us to finish watching Harry Potter.  Most of the time, she just sat in Jake's lap, sleepy.  Before we headed back upstairs to go to bed, she was sitting there and I was just amazed that Jake and I created this little person, that she never existed before we made her.  That her chubby cheeks and her little fingers are from me and him.

Yesterday morning she and I took a shower.  I can't ever take a shower by myself now (unless Jake's home), she's always climbing in with me.  After we got out and were both wrapped in our towels, we danced around my bedroom to the music on the radio.  She was happy and laughing.  And then we sat down and looked into the mirror for a while, and she just let me hold her, and I was so happy.  I love my girl.

Saturday: Detroit Temple

On Saturday we went to the Detroit temple.  On Thursday, Sarah Cook posted on Facebook that they would swap babysitting duty on the temple on Saturday, so we agreed to do it.  But then on Friday we invited Emily and Shane to come along (so that Shane could do a session and Emily could watch Lila), so we told the Cooks they didn't have to come early but we'd still watch their 5 kids.  Jake and I were pretty tired, especially from having gone to bed late all week with Jess and Jason.  We got up at 6 and were on the road at 7:30.  It only took us 2 hours to get there, which was pretty good.

We did the 10:00 session.  Jake sat next to Mike Waters from Petoskey, his former branch president.  Pretty cool.  The whole session I just thought about Lila and how much I missed her :)  I do love being a mom and I love my girl.  I was happy to get to her afterwards.  We didn't spend much time in the Celestial room because we needed to grab a quick lunch before we had to watch the Cooks' kids.

Their kids were really well behaved and sweet.  Three older daughters and 2 sons, the youngest is 10 months old and eats way better than Lila does, which isn't surprising I guess. :)  We let them all run around in the little field by the temple and stake center.  Lila had a lot of fun, she loves older kids.  And then they wanted to go inside and ran around the gym and played on the stage.  The Cooks weren't gone very long at all, they attended a wedding there, so were gone less than an hour.

I was tired and didn't feel very good.  The ride home went well.  We weren't very talkative at all, mostly listened to music and I think I fell asleep for a little.  We stopped to get gas and Jake and I got some ice cream treats from the station.  I'm craving things like jolly ranchers lately, fruity things, so I got a jolly rancher flavored push-up and that was yummy.  Got home at 5:00.

Our evenings are pretty simple lately.  Can't do much anymore.  When Lila was younger we'd be able to go grocery shopping or go out and do something as a family, but she's usually getting ready for bed at around 7:00 now, so we just stick at home.  We have dinner and Lila eats too now, not a ton of food, but she'll sit in her high chair for a good 20 minutes and try to eat, so that's nice.  And then I usually clean up the kitchen while Jake gives her a bath, and then we play a little bit as a family, and Lila goes to bed.  It's a nice routine.  Lila is really cute before bed, usually.  Until she gets tired and wants to go to bed, then it's all business.  She likes climbing on us and reading books and cuddling.  Very fun, all playing in the living room on the floor together.  I love our family and I imagine that it'll only get more fun as the children get older and there are more of them to play with.

On Saturday I stayed up later than I'd wanted to helping Jake figure out a new seating arrangement for his work.  He is going to be officially promoted on Wednesday (tomorrow!) and will get Mary's old office (Mary was in sales but just got a job with a different company).  He is very excited about this promotion.  He'll be the Production Director, or Director of Production, something like that.  And basically everyone there will report to him.

Mike

A text conversation we had today--

Mike: Regarding her comment on expectations, do you think it would stand to reason that although she doesn't think she has many right now, over time she will develop them?  I tend to think so.  I also tend to think that this is why my relationship with her is so much more stable than Jason and Megan's... because I have and know what my expectations are, so I'm able to voice them.  Whereas Jason doesn't have the experience to identify what his are, but he knows that he has them and that they aren't being met, which is why he's frequently frustrated with his relationship.  I want C to view the fact that I have and verbalize my expectations as a good thing and realize that our relationship is better off because of it.  Lund wants us to make our expectations known.  I'm sure she has lots of them and just doesn't realize them as such yet.

Rudi: Yeah, your experience with Kalina makes it so that you know more of what you want and don't want in a relationship.  While you were dating Kalina, you may have had some expectations but didn't know exactly what they were or how to communicate them.  Cassandra is in that place right now... not having the experience to know some things about relationships.  And that's not a bad thing at all because she just hasn't had the same life experiences as you.  

Mike:  Right on.

Rudi: I'd guess that most LDS people when dating, if they haven't been married before, don't know exactly what they want or expect except for some general things.  I think back to when Jake and I were dating, and I knew that I loved and trusted him, that he was a good man and would take care of me, etc, but we didn't talk a lot about the issues you have with Cassandra... I think that Kalina cheating on you, and a lot of the other crazy things she did, makes it more important to you to make sure certain things are clear before you get married again.  But it's really important to be sensitive to C's needs and situation because she hasn't been cheated on and is coming into this relationship very naive and not as "jaded."  Some of your concerns probably come off as a little harsh to her because she hasn't been hurt like you have.

Mike: Yeah, that's true.  I'm also trying to balance that we cover enough ahead of time though.  Like Rich said, because we aren't young lovers, it is important for us to clear some ground ahead of time that wouldn't normally need to be cleared before marriage.  It definitely takes some effort to balance it all.  I think that probably the real issue is that she's struggling to see herself focusing on just one person in her life.  She's used to focusing on 900 people.  So, to transition to just one might seem undesirable or insurmountable to her.  But, centering and focusing our lives on one person is in my mind a part of our marriage covenant.  It could be that she wants to fulfill that, but really doesn't see how that could ever work for her.  Who knows, maybe she'll need to pray to the greater beauty in the unity of marriage and for the desire to want that unity and companionship more than anything else in her life.  Sometimes we have to pray for our hearts to be turned towards righteous desires because they don't always come naturally.  And I might ask her at some point if that's the case.  You know, if she wants that unity in marriage and is working towards it or trying to attain it, or if she doesn't want it because that's not how she pictures herself living her life.

Rudi:  Yeah, the balance is the hard part.  All my friends would just tell me to relax a little bit and not be so serious, because I tended to be.  Things work themselves out and if you try to rush things it can hurt the relationship.  Something I think that would help C feel more understood and less scrutinized would be to ask her what weaknesses she sees in you... or things that you could work on.  Something like that.

Mike: Hmm.  Interesting point.  Too bad I don't have any. :)  Jk.  But I might give her that opportunity when we're driving up north.  I dunno.

Rudi:  You should :)  It's a practice in humility and something that helps a relationship and marriage... being able to talk about our own weaknesses and shortcomings 

Mike: I don't have a problem with it.  I just feel apprehensive about investing in our relationship in that way right now.  I'll just have to wait and see what it's like when she gets home.

Rudi:  Well you talk a lot about some of her weaknesses and shortcomings together, so maybe talking about some of yours might help her and you too?

Mike: It will probably be a good thing to do.  We'll see how this week goes.

Rudi:  Yeah, hopefully it's a good week.

An email I wrote him this afternoon --

Hide Details

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Rudi Betzold
To: Mike Betzold <mjbetzold@hotmail.com>
Sent: Monday, June 27, 2011 3:41 PM
Subject: thoughts

Hey Mike,

Spent some time this afternoon thinking about the conversations we had earlier, on the phone and texting.  I think that you're right about about a lot of things... Cassandra is probably having a difficult time adjusting to focusing her life on just one person.  Her personality type is that of a "people pleaser" too, which makes it harder... and her family makes it harder... and so does being 6 hours away... and the fact that she's been single for so long.  There definitely is a balance you need to work towards to make sure that you're covering the things that are important to you while still having fun together and enjoying the dating process--it's supposed to be fun--and showing her that you love and adore her.  

I feel prompted to encourage you to look for the divine within Cassandra.  I know that you do this already, and those wonderful qualities she has are what attracted her to you in the first place.  You're in sort of a rough patch in your relationship now, and there will probably be a lot more in the future, (long distance relationships are really tough!) but don't give up hope on her.  She's worth fighting for and waiting for.  I know it would be easy to just hope for a girl who's ready to leave everything she has for you.  Some women are like that, but a lot of women aren't.  Some women have not been given the love and nurturing they needed as youth and as young adults to be confident in their roles as future wives and mothers.  We know that Cassandra's mother and sisters haven't been encouraging to her in this aspect at all.  Women need to be nurtured in order to bloom and feel confident in their abilities.  You can be that nurturing person in her life, cultivating all of her lovely, God-given qualities.  You have such an important role.  

I read a talk today by President Hinckley... he's one of my favorite people in the world and I've always loved reading his words, especially those addressed to the women of the Church.  I just feel so loved and important and confident in my role as a woman after reading his words, he's so encouraging.  If you have time, read some of his talks addressed to the sisters of the church.  I feel like every person should have an understanding like he does of the role of women and the importance of eternal marriage.  Some of these quotes stood out to me --

Every woman is a daughter of God. You cannot offend her without offending Him. I plead with the men of this Church to look for and nurture the divinity that lies within their companions. To the degree that happens, there will be harmony, peace, enrichment of family life, nurturing love.

The women in our lives are creatures endowed with particular qualities, divine qualities, which cause them to reach out in kindness and with love to those about them. We can encourage that outreach if we will give them opportunity to give expression to the talents and impulses that lie within them. In our old age my beloved companion said to me quietly one evening, “You have always given me wings to fly, and I have loved you for it.”

They stand out to me because I have felt that very same love from Jake, every day of my life, since I've known him.  As cheesy as it sounds, Jake has always given me wings to fly, and I love him for it.  I know that to most people, and probably to you, Jake seems like an (overly?) confident, kind of cocky, smart-alecky kind of guy.  Maybe kind of prideful and very sure of himself.  But, surprisingly, in private, he is the most gentle, kind, tender, humble, Christlike man I've ever known.  He's never said an angry word to me.  He's never belittled me or said a hurtful word about me.  He has always tried to build me up.  I've always felt like he is on my side... he's accepted my family as his own, he's ignored a lot of my weird tendencies completely, he focuses on the positive things about me and compliments me daily.  I have felt like he is my teacher, my equal, my companion.  I have a deep testimony of the wonderful things that the love of a good man can do for a woman.  When we met, I was this young, naive, emotional, kind of bratty 18-year-old, but he was patient with me and has nurtured me into becoming a woman that I'm proud of being.  I feel like I owe so much of my happiness in this life to him and it brings me to tears just thinking about how grateful I am for him.

I share this with you because I believe that Cassandra is very similar to how I was as a young girl, even though she's 26 now.  She is a tender-hearted girl who needs to be nurtured.  I believe that you can be the person that cultivates her wonderful qualities and help her grow confident in her role as a wife and mother.  It will require a lot of patience.  You will need to be very gentle and careful about how you address some of your concerns with you.  You need to trust her and tell her that.  Build her up.  She will love you for it and be drawn to you, want to leave all that she has to follow you.  You're a good man, Mike, and have so much power within you to change her life.

And, if it ever turns out that Cassandra isn't "the one," this applies to whoever you marry.  Even women who are happy and willing to leave all they have to be married and become mothers need building up and nurturing.  Your future daughters will too.  Just felt prompted to share this with you today.

Stay strong brother and have faith :) there are a lot of good things in store for you.

Jess, Jason, and Audrey Visit

Well, they came and they left.  It was such a fun time :)  What we did --

Tuesday Night

• They arrived at around 11:45.  I had tried to lay down for an hour before they came and might have fallen asleep for a few minutes, but couldn't sleep because I was excited.
• We stayed up till 1am or maybe later.  Audrey doesn't go to bed for the night till 1am usually.  Jess was so chipper and excited when they got here--I thought they'd be all tired and cranky.  So that was nice.  We gave them a tour of the house and chatted in the living room.  Good friends.

Wednesday

• It was slow moving in the morning.  Lila got up at her usual time (7:00ish) but the Fishers didn't get up till 9:30 or 10.  Jake and I had breakfast with Lila and then played in the basement with her for a while. 
• When we got up, we lounged around the house for a while with the babies.  Jake went to exchange cars with the Johnsons (Rand and Lynn) so that we could use their van while the Fishers were here.  Jake was gone for a while because Rand likes to talk.  When he got home he charged the van's a/c and we left for South Haven shortly after that.
• We drove through a storm on the way there.  The clouds were black and it was pouring.  But, miraculously South Haven was sunny!  We got there and Audrey was pretty mad, having sat in the car again.  Jess was stressed out because Audrey was a little fussy.  It was a little amusing to watch, because Audrey wasn't even crying, just fussing, but it was a big deal for her... it's funny to remember what it's like when your first baby is that young. 
• We went right away to eat lunch at a restaurant called Clementine's.  Jake had a phone meeting he had to attend for work and was gone the whole time we were there; showed up just after we paid the checks and ate my leftovers.  Lila did great while we were there!  She ate some of my chicken and pasta and the parmesan cheese that was sprinkled on top.
• After that, we headed down to the beach.  It was extremely windy there.  There were a few people in the water.  The waves were huge.  There were lots of kite-boarders or kite-surfers.. something like that.  We didn't stay too long.  The sand hurt when it blew against our legs.  I did walk with Jason, Jess, and Audrey to the end of the pier and back, but we left for Kalamazoo after that.  Both of the girls slept on the way back to Kzoo.
• Got home and we were all tired.  The guys started dinner--burgers and brats.  Emily came over after she was done with work and stayed pretty late.  While she was here, we played Jason's favorite game (that we joked a lot about in NYC last year because Jess hates it) Munchkin.  We also played the drawing/caption game, which was funny.  After Emily left, the boys played ping pong while Jess and I got to chat. 

Thursday

• Another relaxed morning.  It was still rainy out.  We played with the kids.
• We took them to Culver's for lunch.  Lila did well there too and Audrey slept the whole time.  She slept most of the day, actually.  We got Custard and Lila LOVED that.
• Got home and Lila took a nap.  Audrey was still sleeping.  Us four grown-ups played doubles ping pong and it was actually fun.  We also played Monopoly Deal.  Fun.
• Later we went to Martini's for dinner.  Mike called as we were leaving to talk about Cassandra.  Rich Boggs agrees that Cassandra has some pretty strong codependency issues with her mother and family.  Mike and Cassandra had a big talk about her priorities and how she doesn't put Mike first.  She agrees and said she's not quite ready to give some things up yet and that she has "some thinking" to do.  
• We drove them around downtown Kalamazoo and West Main.  The first day and a half, they only saw rural Oshtemo, so they wanted to see more of the "city."  We also took them to campus.
• Martini's was really nice.  They liked it a lot and the pizza was wonderful.  We had a nice time talking and joking.  Audrey slept the whole time.  Lila was happy and walked around a little bit, and when the pizza came she loved that too.  Liked the cheese and the sauce and spent a lot of time eating and trying to eat it.  We finished a whole 18" pizza.
• Went home.  Audrey slept more.  Lila went to bed, and Audrey was awake the whole time Iw as putting Lila to bed... she rolled over (on accident), spit up and had a huge blowout while I was gone and then fell asleep right as I came back out. :)
• We played lots of games of Monopoly Deal because Jess wanted to win.  She and I got to talk a lot too.  We ate lots of ice cream.  We had our favorite cherry fudge ice cream and they loooved it. 
• Went to bed at midnight when Audrey fell asleep again.

This Morning

• They got up when we did so they could say bye to Jake (who had to go back to work) and we could take a group picture.  They hung around till maybe 10:00.  Jason fell asleep again for a while.  We took some pictures of Jess and I and our babies.  So cute.  Talked more.  And then they left.  Tomorrow they're packing up because Sunday they drive to Virginia for Jason's first 6-week rotation.  I'm so grateful they came to see us, and drove all that way, just to spend a few days with us.

Joann's and Michael's

Wow, I got everything done that I wanted to.  Partly because I'm awesome, and partly because Jake is awesome.  After Lila got up from her nap yesterday we went shopping.  I printed a Joann's coupon online (20% off entire purchase) and went there to get fabric and stretched art canvases.  I checked online to see if they sold them, and it said they did.  I spent probably an hour at the store deciding what fabrics to get.  I ran into Holly and Ella Tensmeyer and then Britany Peterson, both from church--they weren't together.  Funny.  Lila pooped while we were there, of course, so that was a hassle.  And for a while she was really cranky and clingy and whiny.  Probably because she had a poopy diaper (I didn't change it till I was done picking out fabrics).  That Joann's didn't carry any art canvases, lame, so I checked Michael's down the road.  They had them, but I decided to go back later to buy them because they also had a 20% off coupon online, but I had to print one out, they wouldn't just give me the discount (lame).  So it was a lot of running around.  We went next door to World Market to look around.

We had a quick dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup (Lila loves tomato soup!).  She got it allll over herself, so Jake gave her a bath after dinner.  I went back to Michael's and then to Walmart (had to drive all over town though because of a lame detour at Westnedge) to get everything else I needed to make the decorations.  Got home, put Lila to bed.  She and Jake had fun playing together while I was gone, and I'm glad.  She's such a good girl lately... probably because I'm paying more attention to her instead of cleaning and doing things around the house.  Oh well.

Lately her favorite word is "stuck."  It sounds like 'tuck or duck when she says it though.  She's always "stuck" it seems like, because she says it a lot.  In grocery carts, in her high chair, at the playground, when she can't get off the couch, etc.  She started saying "book" this week (her current favorite book is Lila Pirate, one of the books Jess got her for her birthday) and copies a lot of the sounds/words I tell her.

Jake and I were up late.  He stapled the fabric onto the canvas.  He stretched it so tightly once that it tore, but it all worked out.  Looks great.  We watched SYTYCD in the basement while doing that.

This morning, Jake was gone by the time Lila and I got up.  Lila and I went to the park playgroup.  It was a fun time.  She mostly walks around by herself, up and down little steps and stairs, up little hills.  There weren't any good stairs to climb.  But she managed to get herself "stuck" quite a bit.  It's nice visiting with other moms there too.  It was pretty hot and humid out.

On our way back home, I called Jake and he miraculously answered (a lot of the time he's in meetings).  We were able to stop in for a quick lunch with him.  Lila ate well today, actually.  For the past week or so she hasn't been eating much at all.  She lights up when she sees Jake.  She had fun sitting at the table with us in a regular chair, but then felt "stuck" so she walked around for a while.

When we got home, she went down for a nap.  When she got up, we went to Walmart to pick up pictures I'd printed and then to Meijer for groceries.  She's a fun shopping partner and did well while we were there... ate some snacks, drank some water, held her ball.

We had fried eggs for dinner with English muffins.  Delish and simple.  And didn't require using the stove/oven too much.  It was so hot out today.  Jake hung more pictures and the canvases we made last night.  We Skyped with Mom and Dad.  I took a shower, then we gave Lila a bath and put her to bed.  She's been such a good girl lately.  I love her.

After she went down at 8, we fixed up the guest room, Jake mopped the kitchen floors, we vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, etc.  We're all ready for Jess and Jason and Audrey to get here.  They won't arrive till around midnight though.  What a long day for them.  I'm so excited to have them here.  I should probably go lay down for a while before they come.

Father's Day Weekend

Friday was a good day, for the most part.  Em came over in the morning.  We played with Lila outside.  I fell asleep on the couch (again) while Lila was napping.  We went to the mall, which was a lot of fun.  I got my haircut at Master Cuts for $17 (decided I'm not going to pay $40 for a haircut anymore!) and Em and I got our eyebrows waxed.  Emily got a new swimsuit at JC Penney.  Lila had fun playing in the clothing racks, like most kids do I guess, and pooped a big one while we were there.

After Lila went to bed, Jake and I watched True Grit and then looked at baby pictures of Lila and laughed about how funny and adorable she was/is.  We love that girl.  Shane got home from his mission Friday night and called Emily at 11pm after he was released. :)

Saturday morning, Jake got a haircut at Great Clips (his barber is out of town till July 2nd), stopped at Menards, and then went grocery shopping at Meijer.  Lila took a nap at home.  I mowed the whole lawn.  It was hot out and I was exhausted for the rest of the day after that.  Jake took Lila outside to play with Brody and Toby.  He set up the sprinkler in the front yard and Lila loved it!  Had a lot of fun.

Lila was cranky that night and cried a lot before bedtime; she's still teething.  We all took showers/baths before bed and Jake and I went to bed at 9:30!  We were both really tired.

I made Jake breakfast for Father's day.  This is what he requested: two packages of peaches-and-cream instant oatmeal the way I make it with blueberries in it and two pieces of lightly toasted cinnamon toast.  Church went well.  Talked to Shane.  He and Emily went on a "date" on Saturday night after she got out of work... he and his mom also went to Panera for lunch and they had lunch together there.  Em said it wasn't as awkward as she thought it would be, but it was still weird... RMs are weird, so that's to be expected. :)  I think they'll have a fun summer together.

Primary went well too.  I think it was the first time since the ward was reorganized that all 4 presidency members were there.  Lila and Jake sat in the back during Jr. sharing time and Lila liked dancing to the songs and "flirting" with one of the 6-year-old boys.  She has a thing for older boys... uh oh :)

Lila took a nap in the car on the way home and slept in the garage for a while.  We grilled steak and onions and had mashed potatoes and canned green beans (something I'm craving) for lunch for Father's Day.  Jake's 2nd one already.  All he wanted was a massage from me.  Also a riding lawn mower, but we still haven't been able to find a good one on Craigslist.

Emily came over.  She told us about her date.  Jake hung pictures on the wall for me.  We did some cleaning and rearranging.  It was SO hot out, but we're still determined to not use our a/c very much.  So Jake took Lila outside to play with Brody and Toby for a while.  Emily and I laid in the basement where it was so nice and cool.  She took a nap down there while we got Lila ready for bed.  It was another night of crying for Lila... poor girl and poor Mommy and Daddy.

She finally got to bed after 9 and then I gave Jake his massage and we went to bed at 10, exhausted.

Now I have lots to do to get ready for Jess and Jason.  They won't get here till late Tuesday night.  There's a lot of decorating I'd like to do... but I probably won't be able to get to it before they come.  I'll be lucky if I can have the place clean and the fridge stocked before they're here :)  Plus there's a pool party tomorrow afternoon at Kasey Hunt's that I'm going to.  Anyway... should be a great week!!

12w - Appointment

We had our much anticipated appointment with a midwife today.  Jake got home at 2:30 or 2:40, so we were a little late for our appointment.  Since we were late, we didn't have to wait long.

Probably the biggest surprise of the appointment was that I didn't really gain weight since the last one!!  At the last appointment, I think I was 101.2 and at this one I was 101.6.  This is... amazing.  I think when I was pregnant with Lila, I weighed ~113 at my 12-week appointment.  It probably helps a lot that I'm still nursing... because I eat a TON of food.  And I'm chasing after Lila all day.

We met with a newly-hired midwife named Sandy.  We were interested to see what she was like (we were randomly assigned to her), because on a flyer in the waiting room it said that one of the things she specializes and is interested in is lesbian healthcare, lol.  She was really, really nice.  Very personable and interested in my pregnancy.  Asked a lot of questions, was warm and kind.  Much more so than any of the other midwives we've seen at Bronson before.  Maybe it's because she's new there, I don't know.  But I think we'll try to have as many appointments as we can with her.  She also has a daughter named Lila, too. :)

Lila was at the appointment with us, by the way.  She did great.  I thought she might be scared of the exam room, but she did just fine.

They did a breast and pelvic exam and a PAP smear.  She said my uterus feels just the size that it should be, like a large grapefruit.  She told me to eat more red meat (steaks, hamburgers, etc) because my iron is on the low end of normal.  I told her I can definitely do that :)

She found the heartbeat almost right away.  I was feeling pretty good and confident about finding it, because my belly has grown this week.  It was strong and beautiful.  In the 160's.  We heard it for a little while, but then the baby moved and it went away.  So, there really is a baby in there!  Woohoo!

I've been feeling a lot better.  Can't believe the first trimester is almost over.  (I think it ends the 13th or 14th week?  Something like that.)  I definitely have more energy and am not nearly as cranky and depressed as I was.  I wasn't having very loving or happy feelings towards Lila for a few weeks there, but now I just adore her all day long.  I'm always saying to Jake, "Isn't she beautiful?  She has to be the prettiest little girl in the world."  And I spend much of my day just sitting and playing and being with her.  I'm a lot happier than I was.  So, that's great.

This week

Highlights of Sunday:

We went home from church an hour early because we were going to the 2nd ward later in the day for Jarom Neil's baby blessing.  I wanted Lila to take a nap.  She fell asleep on the way home and slept for a while.  It was nice going to the 2nd ward and seeing all of our "old" friends from the ward.  It looks like a really fun ward.  The blessing was nice.  We left afterwards.

Later in the day, we went to a BBQ that the Neils were having at Milham Park.  It was pretty chilly out... 60's with a breeze.  I was freezing, anyway, until Jake was so awesome and let me wear his sweatshirt.  The food was good.  Lila liked the baked beans, chocolate cake, and cookies.  I liked everything and ate a ton.  The Johnsons were there and I always love visiting with them.  Christy told the Johnsons that we're expecting (surprise, surprise), so they know and congratulated us.  Ben, Ann, and Luke came and then the VanZantens.  Lila had a blast there... walking around, playing with the other kids, playing with Daddy.

The rest of the week has been okay.  We finished painting.  On Monday, Emily came up with the brilliant idea to paint the hallway/entryway adjacent to the kitchen.  I had actually thought of doing it too because we had so much paint leftover.  I asked Jake about it while he was at work, and he said okay.  Well, he got home and he hated it.  Still does.  We'll probably eventually paint it whatever we paint the kitchen.  Oh well.  Emily spent Monday with me because she didn't work.  We painted a lot; Lila took a few good naps.  We also went to Culver's and KVCC to get her transcripts sent over to KCC.  Stopped quickly at Jake's work to say hi.

Yesterday I went to Target in the morning with Lila.  Picked up stuff for the house, including new curtains for the kitchen.  Lila did well the first half of the time.  But then I let her out of the cart, and since she was at Target and could stand up, she filled her diaper with the nastiest poop yet.  From there, it all went downhill.  She wouldn't walk around and wouldn't sit in the cart and cried unless I was carrying her.  She's heavy.  So we checked out and left.  We both took naps later in the afternoon; I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Tuesday morning I went to the playgroup at Oshtemo Park.  Kari and Hayden were there, along with a few other ladies from church.  Told them all that we're expecting.  One of them who had a baby 6 months ago said that it's not fair because she looks more pregnant than I do, lol.

We've been making plans with Jess and Jason.  They'll get here sometime on Tuesday the 21st and will leave on Friday morning.  I'm SOO excited.  Jake will take Wednesday and Thursday off.  It's already been a year since we've seen them.  Yay.  Can't wait to meet Audrey.

Lila's been okay this week, but still cranky because of teething and not eating as much.  I wish those darn teeth would just cut through.  Hasn't been eating as much as she usually does, but tried bratwurst and Raisin Bran (she likes the flakes) and has been loving baked beans.  She's learning so much.  She can say "stuck" now when she's stuck and "done" when she's done eating (usually she just repeats it if I say it to her).  Seems like she tries to say "blanket" or "bed" when she's tired.  She still loves Brody and Toby next door and often stands at the window calling out for them (they're at daycare all day).  We invited Terri to come to church with us because she started talking about wanting/needing a "church family" one night this week.  She loves giving hugs.  Yesterday she and Jake played outside for a while after dinner and when I went out there, she saw me, her face lit up, and she ran over to me to give me a hug.  It was awesome :)

This morning we had OT.  Jake wasn't able to go because he's going to come to my midwife appointment later.  Lila played around just fine.  She was really tired though, so Kristen didn't want to push any food on her.  But, Kristen did get into Lila's mouth today... "massaged" her gums a few times.  Lila got a little upset, but she didn't cry, just came to give me a quick hug, and then continued walking around and playing.  Kristen was really pleased that she was able to do that.  She'd like to get to the point where Lila is sitting in a high chair, playing with/eating food, and she can do oral therapy/massage on her too.  I think it'll take a while :) but it's good to know that she'll probably get to that point.  She wants Jake to start doing oral massage on her and thinks that will really help Lila be comfortable with more foods.

Lila went down for a nap at 11.  I'm really excited for our appointment later at 3:00.  I'm 12 weeks along today.

Holland & Painting the Kitchen

Jake's meeting on Thursday night went super late. Didn't get home till 11:30 or so. I was already in bed and pretty tired. Since Lila went to bed at 6:30, she woke up at like 3am and was up for a while, which was pretty lame.

Friday was pretty busy, trying to get things done. After Lila got up from her nap, we went to Jessica Wesel's to visit and play. Her son Jarom is only a month older than Lila, and she has a daughter Liberty (11) and son Kevin (8). I like her, she's a talker. I'm attracted to that kind of person, I guess, because I don't know how to carry on a conversation with somebody who's kind of reserved like me. (My talkative friends: Desiree, Kari, Becca, Alicia. My reserved friends: Holly, Amber, Ann.)  Lila had so much fun there.  They have two little kid bowl chairs and Lila loved those.  She and Jarom sat in them for a while and watched Despicable Me.  Lila lasted a half hour or so, which is pretty good for her.  Jarom fell asleep.  She munched on snacks too.  It was a nice visit.

Headed home and I picked up dinner on the way so we could make our way to Jim's place in Holland.  I ate a whole Whopper because I was starving.  What is it with hamburgers being so awesome when you're pregnant?  Lila ate 2 whole chicken nuggets like a good girl :)  She slept most of the way there.  I was so relieved and happy to spend some time with Jake in the car; it felt like we barely saw each other all week.

When we got there, Sarah Betzold was there (she never changed her last name).  It was her night to take Emily, and apparently they were going to Kalamazoo for the night (probably to see Sarah's boyfriend, Brendan Howard--we know him fairly well, he's divorced and has 2 kids).  Well Emily changed her mind about going with Sarah and wanted to stay at her dad's so that she could play with Lila.  Sarah and Angela explained quite a few times that if Emily did that, she wouldn't get to spend time with Sarah, etc, but Emily insisted.  So Emily happily played with Lila for a while, but probably an hour after Sarah left Emily had a meltdown because she missed her mom and wanted to be with her.  First of all, what a terrible thing for a kid to have to do... choose between parents.  She had a really hard time for the next hour or two.  We distracted her for a while with strawberries, and when she had stopped crying, she called Sarah and talked to her ("I miss you so much Mom!).  And then she was okay for a little while but then I found her in her room with a letter she'd written to her mom ("I wont you Mom!") and she was crying and upset.  So I had her pick out a book and we cuddled on her bed and I read it to her, and that was the last of her crying that night.  It was a nice moment for me... talking with her and reading to her... sometimes I feel like a bit of a failure in the mom department with Lila... her sleeping and eating habits/skills are so horrible... but when I have moments with children (mostly my nieces) when they're upset and I'm able to talk with them and soothe them, I feel so good.  Like maybe I really can do this mom thing.  I just have to remember that Lila will get older and I'll be able to connect with her on a different level someday.

Angela and I took a trip to Menards sans kids to pick out some paint for their new living room.  They're living in what used to be a chiropractor's office.  When Jim moved to Holland a few years ago, he moved into that building.  There's an office area where he works, and then there's a few makeshift bedrooms and a small kitchen.  There used to be some utility rooms and a garage, but they ripped down all the walls and are making it into a living room.  They're planning on being there for around 5 more years.  I like Angela.  We still don't have much of a connection, but she's easy enough to be with and she's a hard worker, gets things done.  She started painting when we got home.  I told Jake I wanted to be like that--just set my mind on something and do it, instead of putting things off.

The guys eventually went to Menards.  Mike had driven over too but his new (to him) car (VW) broke on the way there so he had to spend time fixing that.  They needed to move a gas line for the laundry machines.  Lila had a fun time playing around, but when it was time for bed, things got crazy.  She doesn't do well with change, I guess, and she freaked out in Jim and Angela's room where I tried laying her down.  Was scared of the room, was really upset, crying hysterically.  I took her out for a while and she played quietly, but when I brought her back into the bedroom, she just freaked out.  Jake came in for a while, and that didn't help.  So finally I just gave up and she was up till we left at 11:00.  Jake had planned on staying till they were done with the project, but they had barely started.  I asked him if we could leave and he agreed.

Lila slept the whole way home and even stayed quite asleep when Jake put her into her crib.  She was zonked.  Jake and I were really tired on the way home too.  I cried for a while because I was tired and felt like I'm not doing well as a mom.  Fun stuff.

I hoped Lila would sleep in on Saturday morning, but of course not.  She was up at 7:30 or so.  Mike had spent the night so he didn't have to drive to BC and back for frisbee.  We eventually got ready and went to Furniture Row Outlet at 10:00.  I'm so proud of us for picking out and buying a couch while we were there.  Usually it takes us a while to deliberate and shop around and be pokey.  We found one we really like, it was in stock, and only $500.  We just need to find 2 chairs now.  Lila had a lot of fun walking around the store and sitting on couches.  She especially liked the one we bought :)  From there, we picked up a twin bed frame from Craigslist for $10.  Then went to Lowe's... bought paint and paint supplies, then stopped at Sherman-Williams for a special paint brush.  Lila fell asleep on the way home but only slept for like 20 minutes.

When we got home, we had some lunch, and then Jake headed out to pick up the Lillroses' trailer and then the couch.  I tried getting Lila to take another nap, but she never fell asleep.  We Skyped with Mom for a little while.  Jake got home, Derek Thompson helped him unload our couch.  I mowed the front lawn while Jake wiped down the walls in the kitchen.

At 4:00 or 4:30, Lila went down for a nap--she was so exhausted.  So we got our paint on.  We got quite a bit accomplished.  Jake had to leave for a stake meeting at 6, but I painted for another half hour or so before Lila woke up.  She was so tired and cranky when she got up, but I didn't want her to go back to bed because she probably would've woken up super early again.  So we Skyped with my parents for a while, and then she heard Brody and Toby (the neighbor boys) outside playing.  It was the cutest thing... she stuck her head out the sliding glass door, leaning out to see what they were doing.  Then, with my mom's encouragement, she started yelling, "Bwoden!" (Brody!)  So we put her sandals on and out she went in her pajamas.  She was so happy.  They were setting up a Fisher Price trampoline, so Lila got to jump and run around on it.  She doesn't actually jump, but kind of bounces in place.  She had a blast!  It was sooo cute to see her so happy, smiley and excited.  She did lots of squealing, and Terri just thought that was adorable.  The boys finally joined her and they were jumping around quite a bit, but Lila took it all in stride and didn't cry or get scared at all.  She just let them bounce her around and had so much fun with them.  It was great.

She didn't get back to bed till 9:30, which was late for my taste, but her schedule is all whacked from Friday night.  Jake got home around that time and we painted till midnight.  Mike came over for a few hours to help.  He was bummed because Cassandra decided to spend the night with her family instead of with him.  We got a lot done again.  There are a few places that need to be painted still, but mostly we just need to do the edges again.  I love the color.  It's very soothing and peaceful and looks nice with the white trim and cupboards.  Yay.

More tomorrow... I really should get to bed.

11 w

OK, so I'm 11 weeks today.  I am soooo excited for our appointment next week.  A week from today, actually.  I will feel so much relief and happiness when I hear the heartbeat.  The first trimester is always tough for me because I never want to get attached to the baby or the pregnancy in case I have a miscarriage.  I haven't outgrown any of my pants yet... I can't remember when I did with the first pregnancy, but I don't even have to use my belly band yet.  Probably because I started out 10 pounds lighter than I was with Lila.  When I was Skyping with Mom earlier she told me I look "fatter," which is nice.  Thanks Mom. :)  Said my face looks a little fuller already.

I've been eating a lot of junk food.  Blah.  Pepsi doesn't do it for me anymore.  I used to be addicted, now I don't really care about it.  Drinking Root Beer instead. 

Long Days

I may have slept with Lila during her naptime yesterday.  Can't remember.  When she got up we went to Meijer for some groceries.  I always buy more things than what I intend to go there for. 

We had chicken quesadillas for dinner.  I was pretty exhausted by the time Jake got home.  Lila was a pill from about 4:30 till bedtime.  I wish those teeth would just cut through already.  So she whined and cried a lot and it was really bothering me.  We tried putting her to bed at 8:00, but since she took such a long nap, she wasn't ready yet, so we let her run around in the basement till 9.  Watched Minute to Win It on TV and SYTYCD on Hula at the same time. 

I went to bed shortly after Lila did.  I was crabby and exhausted and felt awful.  I was grumpy with Jake, for no reason really.  He's been really busy with work and stressed out about it too.  He's been working a lot at home this week.  It was one of those too-tired nights where I was not okay mentally/emotionally.  Just needed to get to bed.

I got semi-decent sleep.  Didn't get up till 7:40, which is a treat.  Got to spend 10 minutes with Jake before he left for work.  Lila slept till 8.  She had a decent morning and afternoon.  Very little crying and whining.  While I was cleaning the kitchen, she was sitting on the counter and stood up to play with the cupboard.  While standing, she started farting really loudly, and every time she would, she would smile at me and laugh.  Hehe.  She finally had a big poop.  She poops about every other day now.  It's actually solid, stinky poop now instead of the runny, baby stuff it was for the first year of her life, now that she's actually eating food.

She thinks it's funny now (sometimes, at least) when I put my sunglasses on her.  She'll actually keep them there for a while and smile and laugh at herself.  She's starting to copy the words/sounds that I make a lot.  She was saying "peas" the other day... shoes sounds like "shees," Hi, Bye, Puppy, Poppy.  "Mommy" is her new favorite word.  She calls me mommy, but whenever she wants something she sees, she says "mommy!" until I get it for her.  It's really cute too, she pronounces it correctly.  Love it.

I took a shower and Lila tried climbing in, so I let her in while I showered.  When I was done, I filled up the tub and she splashed around for a while.  Had fun.  Yay.  Got done.  Made her mac and cheese for lunch.  She gets excited and says "mommy" just seeing the box.  She didn't eat a lot, but that's okay.  Laid her down at noon and when I went into the kitchen after she was asleep, Jake was there!  Came home for a quick lunch, which was nice.  I miss him a lot lately.  We talked about Emily moving in here and agreed that the best option would definitely be for her to move to Battle Creek.  I was worried about talking to her about it because when she gets something in her mind, it's almost impossible to change.  So Jake and I just talked about different points we should make to her, etc. 

She came over while Jake was still here for lunch.  She stayed till she had to go to work at 3.  We talked about her moving to Battle Creek and it actually went well.  She's nervous about it, but I pointed out that we don't even see each other a lot during the week as it is... maybe once or twice a week, tops.  If she gets lonely or bored, she can always drive over here once a week and I can take Lila to visit her too.  She'll make friends in the program.  Driving in the winter would be difficult and dangerous.  It's cheaper to live in Battle Creek (less gas money, tuition).  She can still come and stay with us on the weekends if she'd like.  Anyway, she was really open to it, so hopefully we can find her a decent place to live.  Shane comes home a week from today.  She's really excited/anxious.

Lila had fun while Emily was here.  We were hanging out in the guest rooms and Lila had fun climbing onto the beds (they're not on frames, they're on the ground) and bouncing around and hiding under the blankets.

When Emily left, Lila climbed into her umbrella stroller (that she already looks too big for) and relaxed.  Pretty funny.  I gave her some Teddy Grahams and she ate a few.  Then we headed out to run errands.  I stopped at Goodwill to drop off a bunch of stuff, only to realize that I'd forgotten the donation bag at home.  Woops.  Then went to Kohl's to make a return.  Then to Marshall's to find some decorations for the house... found a big, oval mirrors for $10, a big basket for Lila's toys for the front room for $13, a picture frame, and a shirt for Lila.  Lila had fun making friends with other babies her age at the store.  Met a little girl named Haley who was born a few weeks before Lila but she's not walking yet.  Ran into Kasey Hunt's friend Kelly and her daughter Evelyn, who's just a few days younger than Lila.

Got home a little before 5:00.  Jake got home at 5:15 or 5:20, had a quick dinner, and then headed off to his meeting.  Lila said, "Bye Dad!"  We Skyped with my parents for a while.  Lila was really cute and kept saying "Papa!  Poppy!"  But then she got super tired and cranky and was in bed by 6:30.

I'll probably head to bed soon.

Summer Days

Yesterday morning we went to the Oakland Drive Park for a playdate.  I got an email from Judy Fowler last week with a schedule of parks for the whole summer.  We'll meet every Tuesday, and both wards are "invited."  Yesterday was the first one, and the only families there were Lila and I, the Cooks (Sarah and her 5 kids; Jake works with her husband David and he's the one who took our family pictures in October), and Mari Lynn Brown with three of her kids.  It was still fun.  It was very hot out though, even at 9:30 in the morning.  Lila had fun climbing the stairs of the playground, playing with the steering wheel, walking on the bridge, and going down the slide with me.  She also was very proud of climbing up to sit on the slide and getting back down.  She's smile and laugh when I'd clap for her.  She didn't do a great job at hydrating herself, but took a few sips of water and snacked on a Dorito (she loves Doritos, it's hilarious). 

We only stayed for an hour because it was so hot.  Got home and had lunch together.  It's so fun to have actual meals with her now.  She usually sits very well in her high chair now.  At noon we both took a two hour nap.  Yay.  And then just putzed around the rest of the afternoon in the house. 

I was feeling kind of nauseous at dinnertime, so didn't cook a big meal.  But we had scrambled eggs and toast and discovered that Lila likes scrambled eggs.  Good to know.  We went to Art Van to check out some couches--they're having a sale right now--but Jake and I ultimately could not agree on a couch, so I guess we'll check out a few more places.  I'd really like to have one before Jess and Jason come.

Got home and got ready to give Lila the dreaded bath.  But I'm a genius and when she got into the bath and started crying, I showed her videos of herself on Jake's iPhone.  She was distracted by that and did fine even when I left the room.  Jake finished with the bath but then she wanted to play in there for another 15 minutes.  Awesome!!  It was so nice to not have a battle. 

After she went to bed, we watched an episode of SYTYCD on Hulu.  Then went to bed, probably too late.  Lila woke up as we were getting into bed, crying.  Couldn't calm her down so I took her to her rocking chair and the second I sat down she relaxed and fell asleep with her head on my chest.  So I got to rock my baby some more and look at her chubby face.  It was wonderful.  She slept well the rest of the night.

This morning has been alright.  As I was getting ready in the bathroom, Lila tried climbing into the bathtub to play, so I let her splash around for a while.  Yay Lila!  We played in the driveway for a while, in the shade.  I took her for a walk. 

Talked to Mom and then Emily on the phone.  Oh, I forgot to write some very exciting news:  Emily was accepted into Kellogg Community College's dental hygiene program!!  Back in May she got a letter saying she was 6th on their waiting list.  On Friday she got a voicemail from admissions while she was at working telling her to call them back as soon as possible.  But by the time she got out of work, the office was already closed, so she had to wait till Monday to find out.  We are all SO excited for her.  KCC is in Battle Creek though, so she's trying to figure out the logistics of it all.  Mom and I think it would make the most sense for her to move there, for obvious reasons.  Especially because commuting in the winter could get pretty dangerous and take a really long time.  But, the very thought of moving there stresses Emily out, and she doesn't want to.  And with her history of anxiety problems/depression, it's probably best to not move there, at least right away.  So we're thinking that she'll move in with Jake and I.  Maybe after a semester or after a year, she will feel comfortable moving there.  We'll see.  But we have all this space now and she's clean, generally helpful, and keeps to herself a lot.  And it'll be nice to have some help in the fall/winter when I'm big and pregnant and when I have a new baby.  So it should work out.

After lunch, we played around some more.  Lila actually wore my sunglasses for a while instead of ripping them off right away.  She was smiling and proud of herself, lol, it was cute.  So maybe I can get her a pair now.  She's sleeping right now.  

Busy Monday

It's amazing all the things that can happen in 24 hours.

Last night after Lila went to bed, Jake and I sat on the couch for a while with his iPad 2 (from work) and played Angry Birds.  I always thought it was lame and didn't know why people got so addicted to it.  And then I got addicted to it.  But at 9:30 I got hit with a massive headache/neck ache.  Like the kind I used to have after we got married.  They completely wipe me out and they hurt something awful.  I had Jake rub my neck and shoulder for a while but it didn't help at all.  Finally I laid down with a heating pad on it and that loosened my muscles up really well and I went to bed.  I fell asleep sprawled across the bed, so by the time Jake was ready for bed an hour later, he decided to sleep on a guest bed instead of waking me up.  Nice guy.  I got him at 3am and I couldn't fall asleep for another hour or more.  I don't sleep well when I'm pregnant.

Got up this morning with Jake.  He'd talked to Mike the night before and Mike wants me to talk to Cassandra this weekend while she's here about Kalina, give her a different perspective on everything.  Mike called at 7:30 to talk but I called him back after Jake left for work.  Kalina texted him at 3:30am saying that she hadn't known he was dating anyone and that she couldn't move on and wanted to know if he "really truly" meant when he said he would've given her a chance if she would've asked for one.  Yikes.  He was pretty mad that she was texting him again.  Decided to talk to Cassandra about it and see what she thought.  He texted her back later in the day and said --

You won't be able to move on until you repent.  The bishop can help you with that.  I was 100 percent committed to you until we walked out of the courthouse and our divorce was final.  You need to move on.

Kalina wrote back:
I will be able to completely move on now that you've answered my question. Thank you. As for the repentance, I have gone through with repenting. You don't know what has gone on in my life since the divorce so don't think that because I don't go to church here is because I haven't repented.

Grr.  She still makes me mad.  Mike's friends from church, the Zirkels, stayed at the Holiday Inn where she works while their power was out... she worked right along side with Corey (the guy she cheated on Mike with) the whole time and Brandon Zirkle said they were practically glued at the hip.  Gross.  She... makes me mad.

Anyway.  We spent the morning playing.  I took a shower.  Gave Lila a tissue (Kleenex) to tear apart while I was in there to distract her.  She "blew" her nose in it the whole time.

At 11:15 we had another OT appointment.  This one went really well.  In the past, we've been brought back to a small exam type room where you close the door.  This time we just stayed in the big physical therapy room where there are tons of toys, mats, stairs, swings, etc. and other kids around.  This made the biggest difference.  Lila didn't cry at all and had fun playing around with Kristen.  She must have mostly been afraid of the room because it reminded her of the doctor's office.  We played a little bit with Cheerios.  Told Kristen about Lila's progress and she was happy to hear that.  She said next week we'll play a little while but then try to put her in a high chair to play with some food.  She'd like Jake to start trying to get into Lila's mouth.  She gave us a "gum massage" protocol... the goal is to eventually be able to go around Lila's mouth 3 times, but if all Jake can do is just touch Lila's gum once to start out with, that's fine.  We're not supposed to stress Lila out at all or push her to do something.  She said that with some kids, she can push them and make them mad because 2 minutes later they're over it and happy... but she recognizes that Lila is definitely not like that.  If we force her to do something or make her stressed out, she will regress a lot.  So we just make things fun and easy and try to move along slowly at her pace.

After that we grabbed lunch at Taco Bell together before Jake had to drive over to Stryker for a meeting. Lila stayed awake on the way home, thankfully, and went down right away for a nap when we got home.  While she slept, I talked with Kelsey on the phone and then did some cleaning and reading.  I read a bit of Sister Beck's talk "A 'Mother Heart'" and focused on the section about Proverbs 31.  I noticed that a lot of the qualities of a virtuous woman have to do with hands... "she worketh willingly with her hands... with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard... she stretcheth out her hand to the poor..."  So much of what we do as mothers is physical work.  It has to do with touch and nurturing and cleaning and feeding and holding and soothing.

I'm so glad I read that when I did, because Lila woke up from her nap (after sleeping for 1 1/2 hours) and cried hysterically for a while.  She was arching her back and kicking her legs like she was in a lot of pain and she wailed and cried.  I gave her some Ibuprofen, got her blanket, and took her downstairs to nurse and rock in her chair.  After reading that talk, all I wanted to do was soothe her and be there for her.  She nursed and rocked with me for maybe 20-30 minutes before falling asleep for 30-40 minutes.  It was amazing.  She was so relaxed and peaceful.  She fell asleep with her head on my chest, all snuggled in close to me, and I just sat there and rocked her.  And then she let me cradle her like a baby while she slept and I just looked at her sweet face... like I did when she was a baby.  Oh, I miss that.  I soaked it all in and enjoyed it.  I know that someday soon I won't be able to give her all that attention because I'll have another little one.  I'm trying to enjoy every day with Lila.  I love her so much.

She woke up from her mini-nap with a cheerful "dada!", hopped off my lap, and started playing with her toys. She was in a very good mood and felt a lot better.  So we played in the basement for another hour or so.  Got some texts from Jessica.  Jason takes a big test tomorrow for med school and then has a 2.5 week break.  They're going to spend next week working on their townhome (painting and such) and then they want to drive over to visit us!!!  Yay!!!  I'm so excited!  We get to meet little Audrey (she'll be 2 months old), and show her how big Lila is, and do fun Michigan things, and show them our house.  I'm so excited.

Lila got hungry so I took her up to the kitchen for dinner.  It is so much fun now that she eats... I fix her her own little plate of food.  I feel like a real mom!  I gave her a plate of mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, and green beans.  She didn't eat the green beans but enjoyed the rest.  When she was done with those, I gave her some Butterscotch pudding and she ate almost half of that.  Good girl!  I ate dinner too. Jake got home a little late from work.

The Betzold family is getting geared up and excited for the 4th of July!  I'm so excited!

We took Lila outside a little while.  Maybe 10-15 minutes.  I think she got a little sunburnt in just that short time.  Looks like I have to put sunscreen on her whenever we go outside.  Did some yardwork.  Lila tried sweeping the grass.

Got in.  I cleaned the kitchen.  Went to the basement and videochatted with Grandpa Betzold on the iPad.  Lila hammed it up completely and won his heart.  He was so happy to see her and is so excited for the 4th.  She started calling him "Papa" which is amazing because we didn't tell her who it was!  Very cute.

She went to bed at 9.  It's now almost 11.  Jake's doing work.  I need to go to bed.

Lila @ 14 months

• Starting Occupational Therapy.  Has sensory problems and oral aversion.  Is on a brushing program. Was scared of therapists at first, but now that we're out in a bigger playroom instead of a smaller "exam" room, she's completely fine.  (It probably reminded her of a doctor's office, and she hates those.)  
• We have noticed a HUGE improvement with her eating.  She's still nursing, but mostly before nap-time and bed-time.  Her favorite food is mac and cheese, and she's starting to love pudding and pureed baby foods too, which is very exciting for us because she's always hated it.  Up to this point, she has tried the following foods: Cheerios, Teddy Grahams, cream cheese/peanut butter bagels, Goldfish, mac and cheese, Sacrament bread, PB&J, Spaghettios, spaghetti, Ramen noodles, bacon, pudding, pureed sweet potatoes, roasted potatoes, French fries, chicken nuggets, pizza, tortilla chips, Doritos, shredded cheesed, banana pancakes, baked/black beans, green beans, steak, mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate bars.
• She's starting to get messy with food and enjoy it, laughing while eating, putting 4 Cheerios in her mouth at a time.
• She's taken a few sips of milk and juice and pop, but doesn't care for them a whole lot.  She loves water.  She uses sippy cups with straws and sometimes tries to drink out of regular sippy cups.  She loves drinking out of fast food cups and likes to blow bubbles in them.  She's started to spit out water she drinks playfully.
• Likes older kids.
• Words she says: doggie, quack, "bawk bawk", mama, dada, papa, no, mommy, daddy, ball, baby, hi, shoes, door.  She babbles and "talks" a lot.
• LOVES being outside.  She likes bikes and tricycles.  She loves toys you can push or pull around.  She loves walking around outside; stepping onto the grass and back onto the sidewalk.  Loves the hanging baskets of flowers and pointing at them but doesn't like when I take them down.  Likes playing with the watering can.  Likes playing in the rain and in water outside.  Likes walks in her stroller.  Loves it when neighbors walk by our house with their dogs.  She pets them and lets them kiss her, not afraid at all, even of a HUGE hairy sheep dog.
• LOVES her pink sandals.  And now she loves all of her shoes.  Stands at closet in morning waiting for them.  Tries putting them on by herself.  She now turns around and sits in my lap and waits for me to put them on.  (She all of a sudden loves sitting in my lap and can back up and sit there on her own.)  She likes shoes in books too.
• If I ask where her toes are, she knows and points.  She loves when I play "Little Piggies" with her.  She'll take my fingers and put them on her toes when she wants me to.
• Knows where her nose is and can point to it.  Points to our noses too.
• Likes brushing our hair and her own hair.  Doesn't mind having her hair brushed, but always pulls bows out immediately and pigtails don't last very long.  She has curly blond hair.
• Eyes are blue but there's yellow around the pupils.
• Wearing mostly 3T clothes and size 5 shoes.  Size 5 diapers.
• At her 13-month (one year) check-up she was 31" tall and somewhere between 28-29 pounds.  Still above the 97th percentile for both.  Her head circumference is also above the 97 percentile.
• Does well at grocery stores.
• HATES baths and showers again.  I usually have Jake do them.
• Can back up and sit down on steps and our laps.  Sits back and relaxes.  Loves to do this.
• Starting to climb on things: beds, chairs, couches... but needs help usually.
• Loves bouncing on beds (while sitting down).
• Likes the little trampoline we got from the Andersons.
• Definitely has a favorite blanket.  Loves to snuggle with it and carry it around.  Loves playing peek-a-boo with it.
• Gives hugs when asked and sometimes kisses.
• Usually cries when I sing lullabies or when some toys play music.
• She's started liking toys that have flashing lights on them, like her laptop.  Still loves talking into microphones on toys.
• Loves iPhones and iPads.  
• Loves watching videos of herself.
• Loves car keys.
• Stands by front door and waves when she wants to go out.
• Likes merry-go-rounds.  Doesn't like swings.  Loves walking up and down hills.
• Slowly spins in circles until dizzy sometimes.
• Whiny lately.  Clingy to mom.  Wants to be held a lot.
• Sometimes doesn't want to sit and eat in high chair, cries, and fights it.  When that happens, she'll usually sit in our laps and eat.
• Likes books still.
• Likes to Skype with my parents.
• Loves Uncle Mike and Aunt Emily.
• Cries in car if we're driving around bedtime.  During the day she'll often fall asleep if she needs a nap in the car.
• Loves my glasses and hates that I won't let her play with them.  Loves sunglasses too.
• Makes it halfway through sacrament before needing to be taken out for a walk.  Loves the water fountain at church.
• Will "draw" on paper with ink pens but bites crayons.
• Hates when I'm cooking dinner and wants me to carry her.
• Plays with my makeup bag when I'm getting ready.
• Doesn't watch a lot of TV.  Does like Sesame Street and cartoons when they're on.
• Loves carrying reusable grocery bags around like a purse, with the straps over her shoulder.  So cute and funny.
• Overall a sweet and funny and happy baby.  Has a huge independent streak.  Will not allow us to feed her or brush her teeth, but she will do those things by herself.  She likes my toothbrush but not hers.  Doesn't like to hold our hands when we're walking.  Likes to do things by herself.  She adores Jake and I though and is very affectionate with us.  Loves to be tickled and kissed and snuggled.  We love having her in our family.

10w 3d

Doing well.  I've been generally feeling a lot better.  Not so tired and awful and depressed.  This is great news.  I eat like 4-5 actual meals a day now though.  I eat breakfast and by 10:30-11:00 I'm really hungry again.  And I usually eat a second lunch later in the afternoon and dinner.  And always ice cream or cookies before bed.

Sleeping a little better too... but that's probably because Lila's been sleeping better.  If we don't get to bed early enough, I get SO TIRED and then start having crazy depressed thoughts (not really crazy, I just start feeling miserable about life), so I then I know I need to get myself to bed asap.

Having a more positive attitude about everything too.  Excited for our next appointment and for things to start feeling more "real."

Saturday and Sunday

Yesterday morning at 11:00 I had Alicia Thompson's baby shower.  I was pretty excited to go and get away, have some girl time.  Before I left, I put Lila down for a nap, but Jake said she woke up at 11:20 so it wasn't a very long one at all.  It was a beautiful, sunshiney day.  Pretty hot out.  I took backroads to get there... I had the windows down and the radio loud it just felt like so much fun.  I felt like a teenager again :)

The shower was at Sharon Hunt's house, in her backyard.  She has a GORGEOUS backyard.  It was on the patio, and there are big rolling hills and a brook nearby and lots of trees.  It was awesome.  Good food and good company too.  It was like an "old" 1st ward reunion.  Alicia's having a girl, so she got tons of adorable things and it was a lot of fun for her, especially because she had a boy the first time.  I spent a few hours there.  Talked with Jessica Wesel a while.  Her son Jarom is a month older than Lila (he was there at the shower) and is going through a whiny phase too... she talked about how from like 14 months to 18 months, kids just have a hard time (at least in her experience).  And how it's just a phase.  It was good to hear that, because Lila's been crazy lately and I don't know how to handle it all the time.  I'm so grateful to have good friends in the ward and feel comfortable with them.

Headed home.  Jake and Lila had spent a lot of time "playing" in the garage.  Jake was putting things away and Lila was exploring.  Had some lunch.  Lila went down for a nap.  While Lila was napping, we started watching the movie Country Strong and it was so stupid.  When she got up we went to Culver's for dinner (craving) and then to Meijer for groceries.  Got home and gave Lila a jar of pureed sweet potatoes and she LOVED it.  She made a huge mess and was laughing and trying to eat it with a spoon.  I don't know how much she actually got into her tummy, but she sure had fun, and our OT wants us to let her get messy and play with foods like that, so that's great.  She's making great progress!

We Skyped with my parents a bit and Mike stopped by for a bit.  He was taking Cassandra out for dinner.  Lila went to sleep well.  We headed to the basement and finished Country Strong and it was even more stupid than ever.  I worked on Primary stuff during the movie.  By the time we headed to bed at 11:00 I was SOOO TIRED.

Church today was okay.  Lila did great during Sacrament Meeting.  She usually makes it till a little bit after the sacrament is passed before needing to be taken out.  She sat and sang with us while holding the hymn book, which was SO cute.  She ate a lot of snacks too... Cheerios and Teddy Grahams.  At one point she was shoving 4 Cheerios in her mouth at a time, which is something she's never done before... she's always just put only one thing at a time in her mouth and slowly sucks it till it dissolves.  Looks like she's getting the chewing thing down though.  I'm so excited.  So then Jake took her out to the hall.  Primary was kind of crazy.  Holly and I were the only leaders there.  Our new nursery leaders weren't there, so Jake and I filled in and took Lila.  Lila had a blast.  Only 3 1/2 more months till she can go!  She did get nervous whenever I'd leave the room, but that's okay.  I had to run around and hand out Primary sign-up sheets and miscellaneous things to the auxiliaries but it went better than I thought it would.  Met a new family that just moved into the ward after church, nice people.  Four kids.

After church we drove out to D Ave and 6th to check out some riding lawn mowers for sale.  Lila fell asleep in the car so I sat in there with her while Jake looked at them.  Mike texted to say that Cassandra had gone to Sacrament meeting with him in Battle Creek... so of course that's the one week that Kalina decides to go to church!!  So they were both there!  He said it was definitely awkward.  Yikes.

Then we headed to the nursing home.  I was sooo hungry and not feeling well as a result, but we only stayed for a short time.  Came home, had a yummy lunch.  Lila ate more sweet potatoes and mac and cheese.  I laid down and took a short nap while Jake played with Lila.  We tried getting Lila to take another nap, but it was a no go.  Made a yummy dinner.  Jake grilled steak (YUM) and I made mashed potatoes, sauteed mushrooms and onions, and green beans.  Lila enjoyed dinner.  She mostly ate mashed potatoes, but tried steak and beans too!  Good girl!  She screamed and cried through her bath.  Then she took my toothbrush and actually did a pretty good job brushing her teeth with it.  Figures that she would like a grown-up toothbrush (she likes using grown-up silverware).  What a girl.

She was asleep by 6:50.  Jake and I cleaned up the kitchen.  Now we're eating ice cream and listening to a general conference talk.

*Lila woke up at 7:30 because she'd pooped.  She hadn't pooped in 2 days.  She's back to bed.

Thursday and Friday

Thursday Lila had another OT appointment, this time with Kristen again.  It went better than last week's.  She likes Kristen better... or at least feels more comfortable with her.  She still cried a lot and wanted mom and dad most of the time, but she made a lot of eye contact with Kristen and was smiling at her towards the end.  Kristen said that she thinks she'll be able to touch Lila (without Lila freaking out) by the end of the month, and that's where we really need to be... because Kristen will need to put her fingers in Lila's mouth and stuff.  Ohhh Lila.  Kristen said that Lila is very "sensory offensive"... has a lot of issues that she'll gradually get over. 

We stopped at home briefly before heading out to run errands.  I picked Emily up and we stopped at Sally's Beauty Supply to pick up hair stuff for Mom and then to the Asian food store for more watermelon seeds for Dad.  Lila slept in the car.  Then we dropped them off at Uncle Larry's because they're heading to Green Bay for Lindsey Trotter's high school graduation party and will see Mom there.  (Can't believe Lindsey's graduated--I remember when she was born!)  We went back to Emily's apartment.  Lila likes it there.  Then Jake called to ask if Lila and I could meet him for lunch, so we did and Lila had a blast.  We went back to Emily's until she had to go to work.  It was nice to spend time with her; she's been working a lot lately and busy.

Went home and relaxed.  Lila took a nap and I made dinner while she slept: Italian pasta salad.  Jake came home early (5:00) so we could eat together before he had his meeting at 6.  I laid in bed a long time with Lila before she fell asleep.  Got up and did some reading online... I found a blog (a friend of a friend of a friend) of a girl who's infertile.  She reminds me a lot of me... and it was really interesting to read and put things into perspective for me.  I've been having a hard time with this pregnancy so far.  Not very excited, pretty nervous, feeling pretty negative about it.  So to read about a woman who wants to be a mother so badly... shifted the way I was thinking.  And then I read on Ben O'Brien's wife's blog that they're pregnant and due on December 14th.  She has bad morning sickness... she wrote: "Nausea and fatigue have ruled the last few weeks, and I can hardly get out of bed or off the couch (partly because I'm too tired to move, partly because I concentrate so hard on not vomiting that I'm afraid I will if I change my position.)" And that her diet consists of "orange juice, ginger ale, cereal, mashed potatoes, oatmeal, grits, chicken noodle soup."  Yikes.  I can pretty much eat whatever I want whenever I want, and am very functional still, even though I feel blah.  That also made me grateful.

I had to go to bed at 11:00... which is pretty late for me.  Jake still wasn't home.  Didn't get home till 11:30 or something crazy like that. 

Today was a lot of fun.  Lila woke up before Jake left, and when we went in there to get her, she was smiling and laughing and so happy.  So cute.  We spent the morning cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry.  At 10:00, Kari (and Hayden), Amber (and Hunter) and Ann (and Lucas) came over for a playdate.  They were here for a few hours.  Amber is 21 weeks prego with a little girl.  Lila had fun chasing the boys around.  They played out in the yard for a while.  I'm the first of my friends to have a house, they all still live in apartments.  I told them all the big news and they're excited for us.  I think Kari has a hard time though... she can't have anymore kids of her own (because of her CF) and is currently just starting the foster parent process.

At 12:30, just as all the others were leaving, Desiree arrived with 7-week-old Jarom.  She stayed till 4:00.  It was nice visiting with her, as always.  Sounds like she's adjusting to motherhood quite well.  She had an awful delivery though.  Was induced and spent 3 days in labor and pushed for 3 hours.  She talked a lot about Tyler and how worried she is.  He... is not an awesome husband.  He has one part-time job that he's not doing well at, not in school, still "working" on his pre-reqs for nursing school, is turning 26 soon, stays up till 6:00 am most nights playing video games and then sleeps till 1 or 2 in the afternoon!!  There's a lot of other stuff too.  I just feel bad for her and don't know how to help.  She's going to end up being the bread-winner of the family.  He came home from work the other day and said, "I think I'd like to be a stay-at-home dad."  What dad says that??  Not most.  They've already been to the movies together 3 times since they had Jarom.  I haven't been to the movies once since Lila was born!!  Tyler "insists" upon it because he wants to make sure they still have married-couple time, so that the baby doesn't "become their world."  They don't have the money to be going out (they almost couldn't make rent this month), and if he did want alone time with Desiree, their time would probably be better spent talking.  Anyway.  Just frustrating and I feel for Desiree.  She's feeling stuck.

Jake got home and we went out in the yard.  I mowed most of the front lawn before getting too hot and tired.  Then we went in for dinner.  We gave Lila a container of butterscotch pudding and she LOVED it.  It was so funny!  First she put her fingers in it and started licking them.  Then she dug in with a spoon.  She was laughing and smiling and so happy, and she got pudding all over the place.  It was so fun for us... to see her acting like that.  We also got her to say "mommy" and "daddy" quite a few times.  Then Jake gave her a bath and she FREAKED OUT.  And then we put her jammies on and played together as a family for an hour or more.  It was sooo nice.  I'm glad that Jake did that instead of heading out to finish mowing.  We had so much fun.  Lila was in a great mood.  We tickled her.  She gave us hugs and kisses.  She laid on the floor and Jake waved a blanket above her and she loved it, just like she did when she was a little baby.  She's been doing a lot better at bedtime this week, falling asleep easier and sleeping longer.  Grateful for that.  She loves giving me kisses before bedtime now.

Jake finished mowing the lawn (mowed till the sun set) and I've been writing on here and IM-ing with my mom.  Hoping for a great weekend :)

Tuesday - Wednesday

Tuesday.  It was Mike's 26th birthday.  He'd asked me to make him a (confetti) cake because he and Cassandra were going to Silver Lake Sand Dunes for the day and she wouldn't be able to make anything.  (She was going to make a pie anyway, because she doesn't like cake.  Which Mike thinks is funny because making cakes was like the only thing Kalina loved to do.)  So, Lila and I set out early to Walmart to pick up things for cake and meals for the week.  It was good to get out in the morning (we usually run errands in the afternoon) and it was a beautiful sunny day.  When we got to Walmart I realized I didn't have my wallet with me, but thankfully Jake had given me cash the week before and I'd stuck it in a pocket in my diaper bag.

Got home and had lunch.  Lila went down for a long nap (2 1/2 hours, long for her) and I made cake and read during that time, and laid down for a while and almost fell asleep just as she was getting up.  Jake called and wanted to drive to Gun Lake to buy an extension cord from Craigslist.  (He's been obsessed with extension cords since we moved into the house.)  It was 35 minutes away, and it's always risky taking Lila on trips during dinnertime, but we decided to go anyway.  Lila did great.  It wasn't a long trip at all.  Pretty scenery too.  On the way home we stopped at McDonald's for dinner and Lila had fun because we were sitting next to a family with 3 little girls.  Lila ate some fries and some nugget too.

Mike didn't end up coming over that night because he broke the Jeep at the dunes.  Took it through water that was too deep.  Funny, but also sad.  For the second night in a row, we had to go to bed early because I was too tired to do anything.  Got ready for bed at 9:30.

Yesterday morning I watched Brig Thompson from 9:30-11:40.  It was nice for Lila to have a playmate.  He was perfectly well-behaved, didn't cry or fuss or whine once.  Lila is so whiney lately.  It was an interesting contrast.  Brig is 3 months older than Lila, but about the same height and probably 5-7 pounds lighter.  He was climbing onto the barstools and Lila was so intrigued and tried to do it too, but couldn't.  By the time he left, I was ready for him to be gone :)  Lila needed a nap and was a handful.  Having two kids will be so interesting...   Jake came home for lunch and was good company.  We had pizza.  Lila fell asleep while he was here.  When she got up, she was cranky.  Surprise.  So I took her to the basement to relax a while.  She nursed for a bit while I rocked her in her chair and it was a really nice moment.  She was perfectly content and would just lay in my lap and let me rock her and kiss her and tickle her.  I always seem to cherish her "happy" moments lately because she's been so whiney.  I don't understand what the deal is with her.

After that I fed her some early dinner.  I made spaghettio's for her for the first time and she liked them.  She generally likes pasta.  I also gave her some ice cream and she really liked that and wanted it too.  (It was originally my bowl of ice cream, but when she saw me eating it, she pointed at it and grunted like she wanted it.)  Then I made BLT's for dinner.  Was able to eat mine quickly after Jake came home and headed to the church for a Primary meeting at 6:30.

It was sooo nice to get away for a few hours, even if it was to go to a relatively boring meeting.  I haven't been out without Lila in... a really long time.  I really need to do that more often.  It was our first meeting as a new presidency and since our ward was reorganized.  I think we'll all work together well.  We have SO many families moving out of our ward in the next few months.... our primary is going to be so tiny.  Found out that Holly is due on November 2nd and finds out next week what she's having.  I didn't tell them that I'm expecting... but that's okay.

When I got home, Lila was ready for bed and went to bed easily.  Jake and I cleaned up the kitchen together and chatted, it was really peaceful.  Mike came over by himself for birthday cake.  Cassandra didn't want to come because the Lillroses had company (the creepy people she and Mike just visited a few weekends ago).  So Mike filled us in on the latest.  He's worried because Cassandra is pretty set on homeschooling their kids, and Mike doesn't want his kids to be homeschooled.  They haven't really talked about it yet.

Jake was so tired last night, but surprisingly I wasn't.  I'd napped with Lila for a bit.  But by the time we finally made it to bed at 11, I was tired.