Attachment

OK, so, Saturday night, Jake and I had a talk about Lila's sleeping.  It's gotten out of control since we got home from Christmas break.  She's gradually been going to bed later and later... this weekend it hasn't been till 11 or even midnight. She just won't fall asleep, it takes a few hours.  She's been teething... I wonder if that has something to do with it.  Anyway, so Jake suggested that we just wake her up earlier and put her to bed earlier.  Duh.  Why didn't I think of that?  Because I'm a tired, worn out mom who doesn't think straight.  Anyway, so we're going to try doing that and hopefully once Lila's getting to bed early enough, we'll all be happier.  I've been doing some more reading about sleep training methods, and maybe I'm just a total whimp, or just afraid of a lot of things happening to Lila (my relationship with her suffering, etc), but I just can't find one I'm comfortable with... besides continuing with the co-sleeping.  For now, anyway.  I do want her in her own bed when she's old enough to not be in a crib.  In her own room.  But she hates cribs... so...

Anyway, from all the reading I've been doing, looks like I'm definitely of the "attachment parenting" persuasion.  Some stereotypical attachment parenting "techniques": nursing past age 1, tandem nursing (nursing your toddler while also nursing your infant), co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc.  Before I had Lila, I always thought I wouldn't have a problem letting my child cry it out, and definitely did not want to nurse past a year.  I thought a year sounded like it was too long.  But now... I have this sweet, sweet child who is so good.  But also different than I pictured my child being.  She still isn't eating solids, AT ALL, at 10 months old.  She hates being in cribs.  And I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I feel them strongly and deeply.  (I don't intend to do tandem nursing, by the way...)

So I've been reading more about attachment parenting... and I'm not an enthusiast and I wouldn't label myself as such, or describe myself as one in talking with another person... I mean, some people are really proud to be attachment parents and advocate this type of parenting.  I've read some blogs of people like this.  (www.marvelouskiddo.com - she's a pretty extreme example.)  I'm much more hippy-ish than I thought I'd be sometimes...... but not very extreme.  Anyway... just thinking "out loud."

I feel a lot of guilt.  A lot of it.  About Lila not being "independent" in her sleeping and eating... but then I remember she is just a baby.  And she isn't supposed to be independent.  But I think it's time to let go of that guilt and just love being a mom, her mom.  Love these moments together.  In the hard moments I think about how someday she will be sleeping in her own bed, she will be a grown child, a teenager, a woman.  And how this day, or this night (especially when she's having a hard time falling asleep), is just one step closer to her being that child, teenager, adult.  And one less night that she is my sweet, chubby, fuzzy-headed baby girl.

I am coming to terms with the kind of mom I am (and I know the kind of mom I am will always evolve, as my children age and as more of them come into the family). I am not a scheduled mom. I'm not a neat and tidy mom. But, I sure do love my girl and I give her so much of myself.

I love breastfeeding. I love it so much more than I thought I would or than I knew a person could. I just love the relationship between Lila and I and nursing has strengthened that relationship so much. I get so sad when I think about weaning her.

Some things on "attachment parenting..."  (I like the first paragraph a lot, because that's exactly what I've been doing... I try to imagine that I've never heard advice from "experts" or other parents and try to do what feels natural to me... for example, sleeping with my baby in the other room has never really felt natural to me.)

Attachment parenting is not a new style of parenting. Attachment parenting is one of the oldest ways of caring for babies. In fact, it's the way that parents for centuries have taken care of babies, until childcare advisors came on the scene and led parents to follow books instead of their babies. Picture your family on a deserted island and you've just delivered a baby. There are no books, advisors, or in-laws around to shower you with child baby-tending advice. The baby B's of attachment parenting would come naturally to you as they have other cultures who have centuries more child-rearing experience and tradition than all of us have.


Attachment parenting is a question of balance –not being indulgent or permissive, yet being attentive. As you and your baby grow together, you will develop the right balance between attentive, but not indulgent. In fact, being possessive, or a "smother mother" (or father) is unfair to the child, fosters an inappropriate dependency on the parent, and hinders your child from becoming normally independent. For example, you don't need to respond to the cries of a seven-month-old baby as quickly as you would a seven-day-old baby.

Attachment Tip:
"It's easier for me to say 'no' to my attachment- parented child when she wants a lot of stuff, because I know I have given her so much of myself."

Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting.  Attachment parents become like gardeners: you can't control the color of the flower or the time of the year it blooms, but you can pick the weeds and prune the plant so that the flower blooms more beautifully. That's shaping. Attachment parents become master behavior-shapers.

Attachment mothering is not martyr mothering. Don't think that AP means baby pulls mommy's string and she jumps. Because of the mutual sensitivity that develops between attached parents and their attached children, parents' response time can gradually lengthen as mother enables the older baby to discover that he does not need instant gratification. Yes, you give a lot of yourself in those early months, but you get back a lot more in return. Attachment-parenting is the best investment you'll ever make -- the best long-term investment you'll ever make, in your child, and yourselves.

Attachment parenting is not spoiling a child. New parents ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby create an overly dependent manipulative child?" Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters independence. Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately. The spoiling theory began in the early part of this century when parents turned over their intuitive childrearing to "experts"; unfortunately, the childcare thinkers at the time advocated restraint and detachment (i.e., formulas for childcare), along with scientifically produced artificial baby milk – "formula" for feeding babies. They felt that if you held your baby a lot, fed on cue, and responded to cries, you would spoil and create a clingy, dependent baby. There was no scientific basis to this spoiling theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to spoil forever.

Research has finally proven what mothers have long suspected: You cannot spoil a baby by attachment. Spoiling means leaving something alone, such as putting food on the shelf to spoil. The attachment style of parenting does not mean overindulgence or inappropriate dependency. The possessive parent, or "hover mother," is one who keeps an infant from doing what he needs to do because of her own insecure needs. This has a detrimental effect on both the infants and the parents. Attachment differs from prolonged dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.