15 Minutes, Dan, Shumways

Last night while Lila was sleeping and Jake was at his meeting, I wrote him this email:

Hi Love.  Thought I'd write because we seem to be so busy these days.  And even when we're not very busy, we haven't been spending much quality time together... time together to nurture our love and our marriage.  I don't know if it's these short winter days or what... but I'm just feeling so blah lately.  I'm sure you can tell.  By the time you get home from work, it's dark, and I feel like the day is over.  I'm missing sunshine and walks at the park as a family... I've always enjoyed just walking with you in nature, it's when we have our best conversations.

I love you so much Jake.  It's easy, as parents of small, needy (and adorable!) child to just get caught up in parenting.  You are such a good dad.  Really, you are.  I just love the relationship you have with Lila and that you two get along so well.  She admires you as much as I do :)  But I miss you so much.  I miss our "single" days when we were so infatuated and giddy in love.  I miss whispering in the dark together before we fell asleep about our hopes and dreams and funny things.  Now we just fall into bed and pray that Lila sleeps through the night, and she never does.  And that's fine.  That's something we sacrifice when we have babies.  But I do think that we can do better.  I think we can take small moments of time, every day, to focus completely on each other and our love.  That's what I need most right now in my life: your love and attention.  

So, I propose that every day, we take 15 minutes just for us.  And what we do in those 15 minutes can change from day to day, but let's just let it be a time where all we do is love each other.  All our energy and attention is spent on just loving each other... verbally, physically, emotionally... just love.  I just want to be held and know that you adore me.  I don't feel that way often these days... adored.  And I need that in my life right now.  To get through these cold, dark winter days.

Thoughts?

We're grown ups now and I'm feeling it.  Thinking about buying a house, trying for another baby... these are both really exciting things that I want in my life.  Because they mean stability and a shared vision for our life.  I feel like we're both on our own little adventures right now, living parallel lives... you starting your new job and focusing so much of your time and energy on that.  And me with Lila... I pour SO MUCH of myself into her.  Really.  I feel like I'm giving so much of myself to her every day.  I hope that we can remember we're in this together, and remind each other of that often... saying I love you more and touching more.  Simple things that will go a long way.

I love you so much.  Do you know that?  I love you so fiercely and I love our family so much.  I love our children, born and unborn.  It's my life's work to build a loving home, and I'm trying.  I hope you can feel that I'm trying.  Sometimes I do sincerely feel like I'm not doing enough and failing in so many areas... but I try to serve from my strengths and work on my weaknesses.   I'm trying.

I love you.

So, that's where we're at.  And he agreed, of course.  Agreed to the 15 minutes thing.  And that it kind of does feel lately like we're living parallel lives. 

We went to bed late.  Jake got up at 6.  Lila also got up around that time and she and I sat in the living room for a while.  Then we went back to bed for a few hours.  When we got home, I called Alicia Thompson and got ready to head over there.  

I had a nice visit at Alicia's.  We had lunch together.  Brig and Lila played around.  Brig is walking now.  They sleep trained him at 10 months (the age Lila is now)... Derek took the lead and it took a few weeks but it's been going well for them.  AHH... I don't know what to do about it.  It's just nice to get out of the apartment.  Lila was climbing on their light-weight metal shoe rack and it tipped over on her.  She went down so slowly and gracefully, didn't freak out or get scared, her facial expression was so funny though... like, "What the heck?"  She pooped twice while we were there.... which was also awesome. :\  Alicia was a big help!

Lila was super tired when we got home... over-tired.  She went down for a nap an hour later than she should've.  So it threw off her sleep for the rest of the day.

Dan came over for dinner.  We had shepherd's pie.  What a kid, that Dan.  He got a tattoo over Christmas and got his tongue pierced a few weeks ago.  He was wearing his diamond earrings too.  He wants to move up to Midland to be with his girlfriend and get an apartment with her step-brother.  He doesn't have enough money to do that, of course.  And is not saving up money (obviously, getting tattoos and piercings and whatever).  He's basically addicted to this girl... and not even this girl necessarily, but to the sex he has with her.  That's what we all think.  Jake is going to challenge him to not have sex the next two times he goes to visit her and then see if he's still all crazy for her.  I reminded him that he thought he was going to marry Danika and they only dated for 8 1/2 months.  Whatever.  Poor guy...

He left and then Annette and Preston came over.  We had a great time with them... they are so funny.  Got to know each other.  They were surprised that I was only 18 when we got married.  But when they started dating she was 19 and he was 25 or 26.  She's so cute pregnant.  And SO BIG.  She's as big as Kate Whitaker is, and Kate is due next week.  Anyway, they are awesome people.  Very funny and similar to us.  We laughed a lot.

Took 20 minutes to get Lila to bed but she finally went down at 9.  And was up a bunch of times through the night, of course.