Keeping Busy

Desiree came over to visit on Wednesday afternoon.  I haven't seen her in months, so it was good to catch up.  She's due April 20.  Definitely less energy and pep than she used to have.  It's funny seeing my friends pregnant.  I think she's due around the same time as Annette, but Annette has way more energy so far.  Desiree is having a boy, they're naming him Jarom.  Because Tyler really, really wants to.  So we visited at my place for a while and then headed down the hall to Amber's.  Kari (and Hayden/Chloe) and Ann (Lucas) showed up too, so Lila got to play with the kids for a little while.  She followed them into Hunter's room to watch them jump on his bed.  And when I took her back into the living room to play with Lucas (he's a year old), she turned right around and crawled back to Hunter's room so she could watch them.

Got home and Lila took a nap.  When she got up, we bundled up and Jake picked us up to look at houses.  We saw two in the neighborhood we used to live in at Foxwood.  One of those houses was too small, but another was really cute and nice, but Jake thinks it's still pretty small.  We also saw one on North Westnedge that has 3 acres of land and 5 bedrooms--lots of space--but it's pretty weird.  Has a VERY nice kitchen (like, it belongs in a $400k house) but the rest of the house needs updating and the ceilings are bad.  So, probably not.  Anyway, it was fun to just look.

Thursday, I think Lila and I stayed home all day.  I made meatballs for dinner, that was yummy.  Jake was supposed to go hometeaching, but got confused about what family he was supposed to visit, so ended up missing that appointment. :)  At 7, I headed over to Holly's to work on Articles of Faith stuff for the primary kids with Rachel and Melissa.  We worked for 3 hours and got a lot done.  It was nice to have some unstructured time to just sit and visit and get to know each other better.  Melissa told the story of her triplets, how she's lost 150+ pounds in the past year, how she met her husband.  Rachel told us how her oldest son Jordan's heart is on the right side of his body and facing the opposite direction than is normal and how she met Abe.  It was a good time and fun for me to get out.  Lila cried a lot of the time I was gone, saying "Mom!" but her and Jake had a good time dancing to music too.  It was almost an hour past her bedtime by the time she got to bed.  She was so happy to see me when I got back.  I walk in and Jake says, "I didn't get a lot done while you were gone..." which is what I say to him some days, and it was funny because he gets what I mean now.  Lila was super clingy that day and wanted to be held; would cry tears if we put her down.  I think it's good for Jake to have some one-on-one time with her.  After she went to bed, Jake and I visited a while and I shared some stories I'd heard at the "girls night."

On Friday, I got my haircut for the first time since August!  YEAH, it was about time.  I've been talking about getting it done for a while, but Jake kept saying that he loved my hair long, especially when I curled it, like I used to when we were dating and first married.  I told him it was just not going to happen, because who has time to curl their hair all the time with a baby running around?  So finally did it.  Emily came with me--she's awesome.  It's short and cute and I love it.  Took Jake a little while to get used to it, but he likes it too. :)  We had leftovers for dinner.  Jake got home a little late from work, maybe around 6:30 or close to 7.  We went to Culver's for dessert (date night) and to Walmart to pick up some things.  After Lila went to bed, I think Mike might have stopped by for a while to visit and then he left and Jake and I were up late watching the movie Salt.  Good movie!

Saturday, we hung out at home all morning.  Stopped by the stake center for a little while to do some clerk work, and then saw 4 houses.  We really liked two of them, both have a similar two-story layout.  But we'll keep looking at more houses.  All in all, it was a much more productive showing than the first few ones.  Jake found the neighborhood/area he'd prefer to live in.  Lila fell asleep in the car halfway through.  When she woke up we finished and went to Walmart to pick up some groceries.  We took showers and Lila went to bed at 8:30, earlier than normal.  So I got to read for a few hours before bed and we went to bed earlier than normal, for a Saturday night.

Sunday was good.  Woke up at 8:30.  Finished making stew and put it in the slow-cooker.  We left at 9:30 for Battle Creek's ward conference.  Sat with Mike and met the Zirkels, his new friends.  They have a baby girl close to Lila's age, Remi.  It was a long day at church, but it was good.  Much better than going to church with Lila by myself and then sitting at home alone for 4 hours after.  The talks were all about marriage and families.  They talked about Lund in the second half of conference.  Mike took Lila around the church so Jake and I could listen and relax together.  After church, I sat in the mother's room with Lila for over an hour. Visited with some other moms and when we had the room to ourselves, Lila ate and fell asleep and I read my book.  Jake brought me food--cookies and ice cream. :)  Then he had to train the clerks there for quite some time, maybe close to two hours.  So I sat in the foyer and visited with Gena Peterson and other ladies who walked by, and a recently returned missionary that wants to go on a date with Emily.  Got home.  Lila took another nap and we almost fell asleep.  But we ate dinner while she slept and then Jake went to visit his hospice people.  Got home, we had milkshakes (yum), put Lila to bed.  I made her fall asleep without nursing.  She fussed for 20-25 minutes and then fell asleep... slept well last night.  If I get up in the night to use the bathroom, she usually wakes up and crawls over to the middle of the bed by Jake and then will sleep there the rest of the night, between us.  It's pretty hilarious.  We were up late last night.  Jake worked and I finished my book (The Red Tent).  Mike called and told Jake about his night.  I studied the scriptures a little bit.

Overall, great weekend.  I love my family.  I love Lila so much.  Really.  Her sweet face is the best part of my day, every day.  I love sleeping next to her every night, having that chubby face and her sweet breath right next to me.  I love my husband.  He is so good and warm.  That's what's getting me through this winter :) his warm body.  Speaking of...warm bodies and husbands... I guess... I really liked that book, The Red Tent.  Beautiful story.  And filled me with all kinds of desires to have a dozen babies and nurse them for years and bake fresh bread and lead them through life and tell all my stories to my daughters.

The Library, My Daughter

On Tuesday I picked Emily up and we went to the library.  Got a few books for me and a few for Lila that are adorable.  I love children's books and I'm so excited for her to get older so we can take lots of trips to the library and read all the time together.  She mostly likes to suck on and tear up books right now.  Though we can usually read through a few in a sitting now.  She especially likes her Goodnight, Sweet Butterflies book.

So that was a nice way to get out of the house.  Spent a lot of time trying to put Lila down for a nap in the afternoon.

Jake came home, we had a quick dinner of leftovers together.  He got to spend a little time playing with Lila, and then he took Emily to get her car and then went to the stake center for his meeting.  Em, Lila, and I Skyped with my parents for a while.

It took Lila a half hour to fall asleep.  I laid with her during that time.  It was hilarious.  She nursed for a little while and then rested her head on me and did a whole bunch of weird yoga poses, sticking her butt up in the air, etc.  She finally rested her head on my chest, snuggled so very close to me--like I snuggle with Jake before bed--and fell asleep.  It was... wonderful.  Just a wonderfully beautiful mommy-daughter moment.  I laid there and tried wrapping my mind around the fact that she is my daughter... that little body, that little girl, who breathes and crawls and plays and laughs and smiles outside of my body now, is my flesh-and-blood daughter.  It was a cool moment for me and I just loved having her snuggle by me.

I remember when I was little, my parents would have me try to take naps with them, and I remember resting my head on my mom's chest and listening to her heart beat and trying to match my breathing with hers.  And I would always twist my dad's hair around my fingers to relax and I'd fall asleep doing that.  I remember the night my sister was born (even though I was only 2 1/2).  I spent the night at Aunt Rose and Uncle Steve's and slept between them in bed.  I woke up in the middle of the night and I was twirling Uncle Steve's hair and I was so embarrassed.

Feeding Herself!

Lila took an hour and a half nap before dinner.  Preparing dinner was tough because Lila was very clingy and would cry whenever I set her down.  I tried wearing her in the Ergo for a while, but then I couldn't see what I was doing (I need to figure out how to do the side-carry with it) and made a mess.  I made a cheesy spaghetti kielbasa casserole.  It was really yummy!

Dinner was great because Lila was eating food with us!  She was sucking on Jake's fork, so I got her her own and put a little pasta, cheese, and sauce on the edge, and she happily fed herself with her fork.  Took 5-6 bites or maybe more.  It was awesome!  Whenever we'd take the fork away to put more food on it, she got mad, so we started using two forks.  We'd take one away and immediately give her the other.  Awesome!  It's about time!  She's 10 months old.  Hopefully it wasn't a fluke and she'll be better at eating now.

After dinner we went to the nursing home to visit John.  And all the old ladies loved Lila of course and it was nice visiting with them.  So sad, all these lonely old people.  Lila was crawling all over and waving and pulling herself up on walkers.

When we got home, we did showers and bedtime.  Lila was asleep around 9.  Jake and I stayed up late watching Inception. I hadn't seen it yet.  It was so good!  My mind is blown.

Subject: Putting Some Things Together

Sent 1-24-11 at 12:23 am.
Jake and Rudi,

I’m trying to come up with a list of things that will make me successful without me having to put any effort into them. What do you think? LOL. Just kidding. Here’s the real deal: I once was taught that miraculous things don’t just happen, but they are put into play long before those miraculous events come to fruition. For example, that bright star that shined above the location where the savior was born didn’t just magically appear. It was in it’s own start orbit or whatever for a long time.

Not that I’m talking about anything miraculous here (at least not miraculous yet) but I have noticed some things that fell into place for me that continue to snowball as the blessings that they bring are added on and on. For example, we all recognize that my New Year’s Eve and Day events were pretty unlikely to have worked out so well as they did. Now, they didn’t just “happen”...well, they kind of did. That was pretty amazing. Sure, I had wanted them to happen for about a month previous, but I hadn’t done anything to make them happen until the day before. But, the two of you already had a long standing relationship with Cassandra which allowed you to invite her, without her having to worry too much about what she was getting into. Then I started thinking about this dance on Friday night. If I hadn’t had those dates (I’ll call them dates) with Cassandra, I would not have known any of the Lillrose girls. If I hadn’t known the Lillrose girls, they would have had no interest in hanging out with me at the dance like they did, and I would have left that dance without forming any new acquaintances. If I hadn’t gone to that dance and stayed around long enough, I wouldn’t have been invited and encouraged to attend ultimate Frisbee or Contra Dancing.  Both of which were great to participate in and at both of which I met a couple other new people. I just wanted to make mention of this to you two since you have been instrumental in helping me along my path to recovery from what Kalina did to me. I think it is neat to “count” the blessings. I’m seeing a lot of them.

About Kalina...while I was cleaning tonight, I had a few thoughts about her. I get angry so quickly that I have to take a breath and start thinking about something else. It has taken a long time to really accept just how awful she was to me by what she did. Talk about mental/emotional abuse. I don’t think it could get any worse than being cheated on by your spouse...especially while your spouse then sits in front of you swearing to something completely different. That is definitely the way to cause emotional damage. And then all of the deceptive things that she brought along with what she did...it was just pathetic and awful. Anyhow, I know that I have to process this stuff, and it’s happening in small bits. That’s the way it has to happen so that I can maintain the spirit as I go through it. It’s too easy to start cursing her out in my mind when I think about it.

Now...in speculation regarding the Lillrose girls, it makes sense that they all just treat me as a friend. It seems like it, and that seems to make sense. But there are two things that may speak to a higher purpose. First, my interactions keep coming back to the Lillroses. Surely there are at least a couple others I could be progressing and developing with, but events seem to return me to interaction with the Lillrose girls. Second, those girls sure do give me a lot more attention than they do any other guys that I’ve seen them around (like at the dance for instance). They weren’t trying to coerce any other guys into playing Frisbee Saturday morning or into Contra dancing Saturday night. Why me and not some other dude? Why them and not some other ladies? So, there still is potential with Cassandra, but the realist in me says “get real dude, it should be obvious that there isn’t.” Well either way, I’m happy to see how it all develops.

Thank-you again for all that you have done for me. I do recognize that you have sacrificed a lot of time on my behalf and I really appreciate it. I love you both and am so thankful for your love and example.

Mike



Sent 1-24-11 at 12:29 pm.
Mike,

It took me a moment to get the "things that will make me successful without having to put effort into them," but as soon as I did, I got a good laugh.

I also believe and have seen miraculous things in my life transpire and the things that had to take place in order for them to happen. Especially with Jake. Had one of us been born even 6 months earlier or later, we probably wouldn't have been in a place to meet or date. Or how your family moved to Escanaba while he was on his mission... etc. Jake and I have had many long conversations about all the things that happened prior to our meeting that made it possible for us to end up together. So I also see the things happening with you and the Lillroses and think, well, maybe things will happen with Cassandra after all. Maybe Heavenly Father just has things for both you and her to do before things happen. Maybe your healing is one of those things. You're right: the things Kalina did to you and to your marriage were abusive and awful. I think you navigated your way through that whole ordeal in a very honorable and healthy way--you used the spirit, you treated her with love and respect, and you acted with integrity.  Actually getting through the divorce and healing from the divorce are two separate things, which I'm sure you've realized by now. Just because the divorce is over doesn't mean that you're necessarily ready for another relationship. I think those little moments you experience, like the one you shared below... when you were cleaning and the thought of Kalina just popped into your mind and you became so angry... are really important moments. Healing won't happen all at once. You'll have small moments along the way where you'll have to process and cope.

I have a deep testimony of Heavenly Father's love for his children. I know that he puts people into our lives when we need them and when we're ready for the lessons they have to teach us. I believe in the healing power of prayer. I believe that if we pray to Father for specific things to happen in our lives, he will bless us with them if we are obedient. Some time before the Betzolds moved to Escanaba, I remember praying that a family with a boy I could date would move into the branch (particularly a tall boy with blonde hair and blue eyes) ... thinking that it was an extremely ridiculous request, but thought I would give it a shot. A year or two later, BAM. There was Jake. The weekend before Jake came home from his mission, the youth in Escanaba went on a temple trip. Your mom drove the Astro Van and I talked with her Sister Schmidt the whole way down about my future (I was applying to colleges)... about wanting to get married, etc, and I felt the spirit so strongly as your mom shared with me life experiences she had that helped her learn that Heavenly Father is in control. On that same temple trip, I visited with Sam (your brother) for a while and thought he was such a neat kid and wished he had an older brother in Escanaba I could date. Two days later Jake came home. Sometimes, it doesn't all happen at once, but happens in ways that allow us to prepare and be ready. I still believe that something could happen between you and Cassandra, but maybe not even until she's done with her internship. Who knows. Anyway... just wanted to share that I know Heavenly Father loves you and knows you and that He will bless you with a good wife.

We love you Mike and are so happy to help in any way we can.

Rudi

Saturday and Sunday

Saturday was pretty laid back.  We slept in and did chores at home.  Finally at around 2 we went grocery shopping.  It's always funny going with Jake because he buys things I never would... like 5 boxes of cereal or 4 jars of peanut butter or 20 jars of fruit.  

Jake suggested we call Paul and Kayla and invite them over.  So, they came over for a while.  They just got married on December 18th and live in the same complex as we do.  They're still at the KUB.  They couldn't believe how big Lila has gotten and Lila was pretty funny while they were here... dancing to music, being talkative.  I had made some yummy muffins before they came (lemon raspberry) and they brought over donuts (bright pink ones from Meijer) so we ate those and played a round of Monopoly Deal. After the game, they left.  Lila was ready for bed.  So we took showers (I have to shower with Lila now because she cries hysterically in the bathtub by herself... this started as soon as she was able to pull herself up at the edge).

After Lila was in bed, we had planned on watching Inception, but we both had things to do for church.  I helped Jake make a handout for the stake presidency to give out during ward/branch conferences this year. Late last year, Jake shared Dr. Lund's CD's with them (I swear we've shared those with probably fifty people since we've listened to them, and most of those people have passed them along to others too) and the stake presidency used some things from there for their lesson.  (Content communication, using the language of respect and request.)  I got things ready for Primary.  Jake finished writing his little clerk training that he was planning to share with Brian Gilbert the next day at the KUB.

We were up too late.  12:30 or something.  I also had to write Lila's 10 month letter.

It was hard getting out of bed the next morning.  Jake dragged me out of bed, almost literally.  Lila slept while we had breakfast and laid down on the couch for a while, lol.  It was very cold out on the way to church, -10 degrees.  We were on time though.  Sat in the back.  Jake stepped out after the sacrament to make copies of the handouts for the KUB's branch conference and some of my things for Primary.  He left after he dropped them off to me.  He was at the KUB from 10-11.  Brian had told him they could do the clerk training then, but he forgot that he had branch council from 9:30-10:30 so Jake didn't even get a chance to do it... which annoyed Jake. :)  

Primary was a little insane at first.  It was just me and Rachel.  So I had to conduct and juggle my big baby.  I had her on the ground playing with toys, and as soon as I started repeating the Articles of Faith with the junior primary, she started screaming and crying (must have fallen or something) so had to pick her up and finish the A of F with her in my arms.  Rachel was unavailable because she was holding Penelope (our Sunbeam who has autism) in her lap.  While Rachel did sharing time, which was an adorable lesson using cookies and scriptures (she's so good with kids, no wonder she home schools!), Sister Hunt (stake primary president) took Lila and I held Penelope.  Jake came back during that time and took Lila.  

Senior Primary went much smoother.  Jake sat in for a little while with Lila, but she eventually fell asleep so he went to priesthood.  I had enough time to breathe and enjoy the children.  For maybe the first time since I've been called into Primary, I had one of those moments where I just loved my calling.  I was able  to just focus on the kids, watching them light up and have fun, and I just loved my calling and I felt a lot of love for the children.  

When we got home, Jake did his home teaching thing.  Lila fell asleep just before he got home, so he and I took a nap with her when he did get home.  It wasn't a very long one, but it was nice.  Jake was really tired after Lila got up, so he laid in bed for a while longer.

Emily and Mike came over for dinner.  (No, we're not setting them up... Emily and my mom both asked me.)  It was really yummy: taco soup with bow-tie pasta, cornbread, applesauce, lemonade.  I ate a ton.  Mom called and told us we should turn on the Packer game (it was the NFC championship and they were winning) and I asked Jake what he thought, and he said he thought we shouldn't, of course.  Emily overheard and asked, "Oooh, is Jake being authoritative?"  And I said, no, he wasn't.  Jake loved that I stood up for him.  

We had a nice time visiting.  Emily and Mike filled us in on the weekend's festivities.  They both went to the dance and Steak and Shake, and then on Saturday morning Mike played Ultimate Frisbee, and on Saturday night he and Emily went contra-dancing with Sammi and Savannah.  So they had lots of "gossip."  I think it's good for Mike to be hanging out with other singles now.  He kind of lit up talking about everything... it's just good for him to not be so isolated.  I think it'll help him heal.  Although he's still afraid of people finding out that he's divorced, afraid of how he'll be perceived and how they'll react.  Brother Cammack (our former bishop, he's now in the KUB presidency) said hi to Mike and asked what he was doing there--he remembered him and that he was married!  So Mike explained what happened.

Mom and Dad are elated because the Packers won and are going to the Superbowl!  It's a big deal in the UP, and Wisconsin of course.  

We looked at houses for a while.  Lila slept from 7:30-8:10 and then was up until Jake and I went to bed.  It was adorable.  After we were all ready for bed and in bed, we made silly faces at her for like 15 minutes and we all just laughed and laughed together.  I love my family.  And then it took Lila a little while to get calmed down and ready for bed, but she finally fell asleep next to me as Jake rubbed my back.  Sigh.  I am so blessed.  I felt it strongly last night.  To have my sweet, sweet chubby baby next to me.  And then when she fell asleep I had my back to Jake and started to relax and fall asleep and he asked me to lay by him, something he doesn't usually do, so it was nice.  Felt so grateful for my warm husband on a cold, cold night.

When Emily and Mike were still over, Emily and I were cleaning up, and Jake and Mike were playing with Lila in the living room.  I looked over and saw Jake spreading the quilt my mom made me for my high school graduation on the floor, because Lila likes to look at it, and he was pointing out the different things on it.  I told Emily, "Jake's such a good dad."  He is.  

Lila's napping right now and when she gets up we'll make dinner.  Today has been another cold winter day.  Don't feel like going out, but I'm bored.  So we spent the morning playing and reading.  Made arrangements to see some houses this week.  Cleaned the living room and kitchen, did laundry.  Lila's such a cute girl.  I've caught her smiling coyly at herself in the mirror and laughing at herself too.  She follows me around like a little shadow.

Weekend

Well, here we are on Sunday afternoon.  Jake's home-teaching the Mills but should be home soon.  This month's message is about missionaries, so he took his missionary tag, Chinese BOM and children's story book, and I made little bookmarks for the kids that say "I am a child of God" in English and Chinese.

So, yeah.  On Friday I stayed home all day.  Lila slept in late, because she was up so late.  I was so sad all day just thinking about the night before and having to do it over again that night.  Melissa emailed some more "tips" and Jake and I talked a little bit about it, but I did some more praying, thinking, and reading online, and decided that we weren't going to do it anymore.  Well, Jake and I decided that together.  I read on kellymom.com (a breastfeeding website) and other "attachment parenting" websites and they all are proponents of co-sleeping and night nursing if the child wants it.  And it just feels right, and it helped me to know that other parents and babies are on board with this too.

When Jake and I talked about it, I told him the main reason I wanted to try it was because I thought he wasn't getting enough rest during the night and was feeling tired during the day.  He said that he actually was perfectly fine and getting enough sleep at night, and wasn't bothered at all by what we were doing.  That surprised me.  I said that I was fine and getting enough sleep too... I rarely ever feel tired.  So we said, wow, we should have been communicating better about this.  I talked to him more about the reading I'd done and he is on board.  It's sooo good to just have this settled.  I like our hippy lifestyle. ;)  And now we know that this other way doesn't work for us, which is also kind of nice to know... although it still breaks my heart to picture Lila sitting in the dark by herself.  All night, as we were getting her ready for bed, we kept apologizing to her and saying, "I can't believe we did that!"

I posted about it on Facebook and lots of other moms wrote about their experiences.  And Kelsey and AnnaMarie called me to check up on me during the day, which was really sweet and thoughtful!  Mom called too and I cried to her as I told her what happened and she said it was perfectly ok to not do it if I wasn't ready for it or it didn't feel right.  She encouraged me to trust my instincts.  She and Dad tried letting me cry it out when I was a baby and they couldn't hack it either so I slept with them until I was old enough to sleep in a bed by myself, and I loved that and slept fine in it.  I think that Lila will be very similar.  I love the sidecar arrangement we have, because Jake and I have enough room and get to sleep next to each other, and Lila's right there.

Anyway.  That's that.  I had been too depressed during the day to fix any dinner so we got one of Pizza Hut's $10 pizzas.  We actually intended to go to Panera but could smell the Pizza Hut next door so decided to go there.  We were going to eat in but it was way too cold.  I was trying to talk to Jake about some parenting research I'd read about but he couldn't pay attention because it was so cold--he was trying to figure out a way to make it less cold or something--so I asked, "How about we talk about how cold it is?" and he laughed and said, "It is SO COLD!"

Came home and finished Eat Pray Love after Lila went to bed at 9.  Mike went to his first YSA dance at the branch building.  It was really lame at the beginning, as it usually is, because only like 12 people were there.  But he decided to stick it out and had a good time.  Tiffany and Sammi Lillrose showed up, and Tiffany's boyfriend Kent.  Mike hung out with them for a while.  Emily showed up for the last hour. A bunch of people went to Steak and Shake afterwards.

Letters to Lila: 10 months

Dear Lila,

You have hit the double digits: you are 10 months old today!  We began this month in the UP.  Christmas vacation was wonderful this year, mostly because we got to share you with our families.  You added so much joy and laughter to the festivities this year—you bring happiness wherever you go.   

 

My parents loved having you.  They changed your diapers, fed you food, walked around with you for hours (you walked with them as they held your hands).  You loved climbing the stairs in their basement and did that for hours while we were there.  You taught yourself how, all by yourself.  We got to see “Grandma Great,” or “Grandma G.” as she likes to be called—my grandmother Laura.  You absolutely loved playing with Bella the dog.  You laughed so hard when she would take her ball right from your hand.  We opened presents there and Granny and Papa gave you a musical toy with a little keyboard and drum and lights and a microphone.  You quickly learned how to talk into the microphone and you are thrilled each time you do.  It’s still one of your favorite toys.

We headed west to Ironwood next and spent five days there.  Your Grandma and Grandpa are building a big lodge to fit all the family in and it was insulated and heated so we stayed there.  And in the old cabin, too.   You got to meet both of your Grandpa’s parents—your great-grandparents.  They were moved to tears to see you.  Great-grandma Betzold made you a blanket and gave it to you as a Christmas present.  You loved playing with all of your funny uncles, they were all there except for Uncle Dan.  You met Uncle Sam for the first time; he’s in the Marines and it was our first time seeing him in two years.  You also loved playing with your cousin Emily, and she was so excited that you were there.  You had your first Christmas morning there, and we had to open all of your presents for you, but you have enjoyed playing with them.  One of my favorite memories from our time there is when Grandma took out her accordion and played whatever song we requested.  We all danced and sang along and it was such a happy time.  We’re blessed to have music in our blood.

You celebrated your first New Year’s Eve this year… and rang in the year sleeping in your crib.  We had planned on going to a party, but you were sick with a cold and exhausted from our travels, so you, Dad, and I had our own little party at home.  New Years Eve has always been one of my favorite holidays.  It’s a time to remember where we’ve been and where we’d like to go.  2010 was a special, special year in our family because it made us a real family: it gave us you, Lila.

Since then, we’ve been trying to get through the cold winter days.  Your dad has started his new job and he really loves it.  We usually have Aunt Emily over a couple times a week and we often go grocery shopping with her too.  We’ve also been having play-dates with other babies from the ward and stake and you love that.  You take a little while to warm up to adults, but you really love playing with other babies.  You help yourself to their toys, especially the ones they’re holding and playing with.  You can be a serious at times, but I don’t think you’re a shy baby.  You even try to keep up with older kids, which is terribly adorable,

So here is what you’re like at 10 months old:  You still do not like food.  You will sometimes eat some Puffs, crackers, spaghetti noodles, or potato chips, but only a bite here or there and definitely not enough to sustain you.  You still love nursing, as much as you did when you were a newborn.  You have become so much more animated this month—you really aren’t a serious baby anymore.  You are silly and happy and smiley.  Not so much at church (some of our church friends hadn’t seen you smile before until they came over), but in a setting where you can sit and play you are.  You love playing ball, and when you roll it to us we clap and say “yay!” and you scream and clap with delight.  Often if I ask you to say “mama” or “dada” you will, and sometimes if I ask you to say “Lila” you say “eye-ah.”  Your favorite words are still “dodd’n” and “nodd’n.”  You sound Swedish.  You’re pulling yourself up on furniture and on walls.  You crawl like a pro and follow me around all day. You hate diaper changes now and we have to distract you with toys, but your favorite distraction is Dad’s Bluetooth earpiece.  You love listening to Daddy play his drums and especially love it when he lets you play too.  You love musical instruments.  You’re a belly-sleeper now.  You have taken the biggest poops of your life this month.  You would go a few days without pooping, and then take epic, messy, disastrous poops.  It would be all over your arms, hands, legs, feet; I had to shower you off and scrub the carpets.  It’s a good thing you are so cute.  You are generally a very happy, loving, sweet baby.  You’ve started being more cuddly with me.  When I’m laying down by you, you will rest your head on me and let me rub your back for a little while, and sometimes you will fall asleep that way.  You’ll climb on me and rub your cheek against mine.  You’ll sometimes gently head-butt the things you like.  It’s all very endearing. 

The most important event of the month happened just a few days ago, though.  For the past several months, you have been sleeping in our room with us.  Your crib is right next to our bed, with one of the walls removed, like a little sidecar.  You wake up a few times in the night to nurse.  It’s been a great arrangement.  But ever since you learned how to sit up on your own and crawl, you’ve kind of been doing those things in your sleep, and waking yourself up in the process.  So we’ve been waking up a little more than usual.  I really don’t know why we decided to do this—Dad and I were feeling well-rested and you were getting around 12 hours of sleep a night and napping well during the day—but we decided to try the Ferber method of “crying it out” with you two nights ago.  Dad put your crib in your room, we did our bedtime routine, and then at 8 o’clock we set you in your crib and left the room.  Dad checked on you three times; once after 5 minutes, then after 10 minutes, then after 15 minutes.  You cried for around 45 minutes, total, and then stopped.  We were surprised that the crying only last that long; we knew that sometimes babies cried for 4 or more hours on the first night.  Dad peeked in to see if you had fallen asleep, but you were just sitting there in your crib, quietly, looking at the nightlight.  We figured that you would fall asleep soon.  Well, six hours later you were still sitting in your crib, awake!  You hadn’t fallen asleep yet!  Those six hours were some of the longest hours of my life, so I can’t imagine how they felt for you.  Every time I would look in and see you sitting there by yourself in the dark, my heart ached and I would sob to your dad and question if this was right or not.  We tried lying in bed for a few hours, hoping that you would fall asleep, but we couldn’t sleep knowing that you were sitting there awake, all alone.  Finally, at 2:30 am, Dad got you from your crib and brought you to bed with us.  You fell asleep as soon as you were in Dad’s arms.  I cried a lot the next morning too, just thinking about the image of you alone in your crib.  Dad felt terrible too.  I joked that you outsmarted Ferber, but really, I was miserable.  I thought about our options, of letting you try it again another night, but it felt so wrong.  Something that brought so much misery to my heart couldn’t be right for us.  So, Dad and I talked and decided that what we had been doing with you was exactly what we loved: to be near you and to comfort you when you need it.  It’s not the tidiest way to parent, but it feels so right.  I told Dad that I didn’t know I was such a “hippy” until I became a mom.

I heard a new song recently, written by a mama for her baby.   The line I love the most says, “When I hear you, and you’re crying, it resonates, dear, in a place I didn’t know was there.”  That’s exactly how this whole motherhood experience has been for me so far: feeling the most exquisite joys and pains in a place so deep within myself, I didn’t know it was there until I had you.  A phrase from the Book of Mormon comes to mind: after experiencing the pure love of the Savior, a person’s “soul… expand[s].”  That’s exactly what becoming a mother—your mother—has done to me: it has expanded my soul and made room for more love than I knew I could feel.  I love you so much, Lila, and I hope you feel it in your soul, too.

Love,
Mama

AHH

lila has been sitting in her crib, by herself, all night so far. hasn't slept at all. jake and i finally went to bed at like 11:30 and i maybe fell asleep around midnight. i had a headache and was stressed out, took me a while to fall asleep. well, jake got up at like 12:30 and got her out of the crib and asked me to feed her. ???!!!  woke me up to do it.  so i fed her for like a few minutes, but she didn't even want to eat. she was kind of shocked to be out of the crib. so now she's sitting in the crib by herself. it's 1:15am and she still hasn't slept. i'm miserable. i don't know what to do...

jake said that if she's still not sleeping by 2am we can take her out, but i have no idea. the last thing i want to happen is for her to be up too late tonight and then sleep all day tomorrow and get all screwed up.

this sucks!

CRYING IT OUT

So, it's 9:30. We just finished watching The Office. Lila has been in her crib for an hour and a half. We have decided to let her "cry it out." We are trying to Ferberize her...

It all happened so quickly. Today I was tired and it was snowing and it was a quiet and kind of depressing day. During her second nap, I started reading more about sleep training. The way I saw it: I knew that we'd have to let her cry it out eventually. If not now, then later on. Because what we're doing is not working. If she was sleeping with us and sleeping through the night, fine, we'd keep doing that. But she is waking up 4-5 times a night, and nursing a lot of those times. None of us are sleeping well.

So, when she got up from her nap, I sat there with her in the bed for a while, and she was so. sweet. SO SWEET. She was cuddly and smiley and my heart just swelled with love for her, and I knew. I knew that it was time. So I cried a little. And then when Jake was on his way home from work, we talked about it, and it felt right. He talked to Derek Thompson a little bit, and they did the Ferber method.

So we had dinner, I cried throughout it. Showered. Then we did our new bedtime routine. Lila cried while getting her diaper changed and jammies on. I nursed her for a long time and just loved her and held her. We read a story, sang a song, read scriptures, had a prayer, and then at around 8:00 Lila went in her crib. Jake moved it back into her room. Oh, we had called Melissa after dinner to get some encouragement/advice. She said that after her kids are 1, she doesn't even go check on them. Said that some kids like the door shut--the finality of it all helps them fall asleep--but some like it left open to hear their parents around. Said to go for it. That it didn't "mess her kids up," but brought their relationship to the next level. So, that's encouraging.

Called my parents too. Mom said that they tried doing that with me, but didn't stick with it and just let me sleep with them. But said that it was ok. Dad said everything would be ok, to just relax and know that it would be ok. And I know that. It's just hard.

So, she cried for a while. And then after 40 minutes she stopped crying and she's just been sitting quietly in her crib since then. Just sitting there! Looking at the nightlight maybe? I'm so sad for her. I hope she's not lonely and I hope she doesn't feel unloved. I wonder if she knows that she's supposed to sleep now and wonder if she'll figure it out. Surprised that she's not crying... wondering how long it'll be until she falls asleep. She's not been crying for a whole hour.

Anyway. We have to stick with this. Otherwise it's just pain without gain. I think it'll help our family and our home be filled with more love and happiness. Structure. This is hard.

Jake has been pretty positive about this, of course. He's positive about most things in life. But he's having a hard time too. He feels bad and doesn't feel good about it. And she's still just sitting there! AH!

What made me feel ok about this was reading the scriptures: Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5.

To every thing there is a aseason, and a btime to every purpose under the heaven: a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.

I love my sweet girl so much.  But it's time for her to be a little less dependent on me.  She's becoming a toddler, she's not my tiny little baby anymore.  (She's 30 pounds.)  

I especially feel like we need to do this in preparation for baby #2... I'll feel a lot better about getting pregnant again if Lila's sleeping in her own room, through the night.  Because when I'm pregnant, I pee A LOT.  Especially in the middle of the night.  And if her crib is on my side of the bed, that means I have to climb over Jake to get to the bathroom, and that's no good if I'm pregnant.  And it would probably be a lot easier to do this now than when I'm pregnant.

Anyway, I'm just talking to myself.  I'm exhausted.  Really tired.  But we're watching TV and waiting this out.  I feel so sad for her.

15 Minutes, Dan, Shumways

Last night while Lila was sleeping and Jake was at his meeting, I wrote him this email:

Hi Love.  Thought I'd write because we seem to be so busy these days.  And even when we're not very busy, we haven't been spending much quality time together... time together to nurture our love and our marriage.  I don't know if it's these short winter days or what... but I'm just feeling so blah lately.  I'm sure you can tell.  By the time you get home from work, it's dark, and I feel like the day is over.  I'm missing sunshine and walks at the park as a family... I've always enjoyed just walking with you in nature, it's when we have our best conversations.

I love you so much Jake.  It's easy, as parents of small, needy (and adorable!) child to just get caught up in parenting.  You are such a good dad.  Really, you are.  I just love the relationship you have with Lila and that you two get along so well.  She admires you as much as I do :)  But I miss you so much.  I miss our "single" days when we were so infatuated and giddy in love.  I miss whispering in the dark together before we fell asleep about our hopes and dreams and funny things.  Now we just fall into bed and pray that Lila sleeps through the night, and she never does.  And that's fine.  That's something we sacrifice when we have babies.  But I do think that we can do better.  I think we can take small moments of time, every day, to focus completely on each other and our love.  That's what I need most right now in my life: your love and attention.  

So, I propose that every day, we take 15 minutes just for us.  And what we do in those 15 minutes can change from day to day, but let's just let it be a time where all we do is love each other.  All our energy and attention is spent on just loving each other... verbally, physically, emotionally... just love.  I just want to be held and know that you adore me.  I don't feel that way often these days... adored.  And I need that in my life right now.  To get through these cold, dark winter days.

Thoughts?

We're grown ups now and I'm feeling it.  Thinking about buying a house, trying for another baby... these are both really exciting things that I want in my life.  Because they mean stability and a shared vision for our life.  I feel like we're both on our own little adventures right now, living parallel lives... you starting your new job and focusing so much of your time and energy on that.  And me with Lila... I pour SO MUCH of myself into her.  Really.  I feel like I'm giving so much of myself to her every day.  I hope that we can remember we're in this together, and remind each other of that often... saying I love you more and touching more.  Simple things that will go a long way.

I love you so much.  Do you know that?  I love you so fiercely and I love our family so much.  I love our children, born and unborn.  It's my life's work to build a loving home, and I'm trying.  I hope you can feel that I'm trying.  Sometimes I do sincerely feel like I'm not doing enough and failing in so many areas... but I try to serve from my strengths and work on my weaknesses.   I'm trying.

I love you.

So, that's where we're at.  And he agreed, of course.  Agreed to the 15 minutes thing.  And that it kind of does feel lately like we're living parallel lives. 

We went to bed late.  Jake got up at 6.  Lila also got up around that time and she and I sat in the living room for a while.  Then we went back to bed for a few hours.  When we got home, I called Alicia Thompson and got ready to head over there.  

I had a nice visit at Alicia's.  We had lunch together.  Brig and Lila played around.  Brig is walking now.  They sleep trained him at 10 months (the age Lila is now)... Derek took the lead and it took a few weeks but it's been going well for them.  AHH... I don't know what to do about it.  It's just nice to get out of the apartment.  Lila was climbing on their light-weight metal shoe rack and it tipped over on her.  She went down so slowly and gracefully, didn't freak out or get scared, her facial expression was so funny though... like, "What the heck?"  She pooped twice while we were there.... which was also awesome. :\  Alicia was a big help!

Lila was super tired when we got home... over-tired.  She went down for a nap an hour later than she should've.  So it threw off her sleep for the rest of the day.

Dan came over for dinner.  We had shepherd's pie.  What a kid, that Dan.  He got a tattoo over Christmas and got his tongue pierced a few weeks ago.  He was wearing his diamond earrings too.  He wants to move up to Midland to be with his girlfriend and get an apartment with her step-brother.  He doesn't have enough money to do that, of course.  And is not saving up money (obviously, getting tattoos and piercings and whatever).  He's basically addicted to this girl... and not even this girl necessarily, but to the sex he has with her.  That's what we all think.  Jake is going to challenge him to not have sex the next two times he goes to visit her and then see if he's still all crazy for her.  I reminded him that he thought he was going to marry Danika and they only dated for 8 1/2 months.  Whatever.  Poor guy...

He left and then Annette and Preston came over.  We had a great time with them... they are so funny.  Got to know each other.  They were surprised that I was only 18 when we got married.  But when they started dating she was 19 and he was 25 or 26.  She's so cute pregnant.  And SO BIG.  She's as big as Kate Whitaker is, and Kate is due next week.  Anyway, they are awesome people.  Very funny and similar to us.  We laughed a lot.

Took 20 minutes to get Lila to bed but she finally went down at 9.  And was up a bunch of times through the night, of course.

Church, More Game Nights, Priesthood Blessings

Sunday was an ok day. We made it to church on time. It was hard getting up early for church. Annette Shumway spoke on the sermon on the mount, and the whole bishopric gave short talks because they thought there would be a high council speaker, but there wasn't. Jake took Lila to the back of the chapel towards the end of sacrament meeting because she was getting fussy, and she fell asleep pretty quickly in his arms. She's been sleeping through a lot of church since we've switched to 9am.

Primary is going more smoothly... I spent a lot of time making sure we had an organized agenda. The junior primary is still pretty crazy. We had 5 or 6 new Sunbeams and they have a hard time sitting still and being quiet. :) Jake and Lila went to Hospice for a little bit, but John didn't want to visit for very long. When he came back, Christy held Lila in her lap for a little while (when senior primary came in) and Lila liked sitting with the kids. She was dancing/wiggling to the music in Christy's lap while the kids were singing, which was cute, and she was holding Jackson Mills' hand for a while too. Very cute! I like working with the ladies in the presidency... they're all great and we're starting to get a better grip on things. (We're all fairly new to these callings!)

Oh, this was hilarious... Jacob Macbeth (Valiant 8) was assigned to share a favorite scripture.  As he got up to read his scripture I (and the other leaders) heard him mumbling something under his breath about forgetting to prepare a scripture and then opened his Book of Mormon randomly. The verse he happened to land on was quite an unfortunate one...

"And the husbands and fathers of those women and children they have slain; and they feed the women upon the flesh of their husbands and the children upon the flesh of their fathers; and no water, save a little, do they give unto them."

All the adults in primary sat wide-eyed, some of us barely holding in our laughter at the unlucky choice of scripture! Of course, the children, not paying attention as usual, seemed not to notice.

After church ended, I invited Preston and Annette over for dessert and games on Wednesday night.  I'm really excited--they are an AWESOME couple... one that we've been "waiting" for.  Preston's finishing his second year of residency in the ER.  Annette is due with their first (a girl) at the end of April.  They are really funny, normal, cool... a rarity.  They're excited too.

We headed to the KUB after that for Chinese Sunday School with Kiwi.  When Jake got into the parking lot, he did a little donut (which I don't like, but smile through because he loves it)... and as soon as we walked into the building, Presidents Doot and Anderson (branch and stake president, respectively) both laughed because they'd seen him do it.  I went to gospel doctrine with Lila and sat by Em for a while.  (Em just got called as gospel doctrine teacher!) but left after a while because Lila was being noisy.  She liked the echo in the chapel. ;)  So we climbed the stairs for a long time in the foyer, and she loved that.

Got home, and she fell asleep very quickly.  Jake and I had lunch and watched the new "I'm a Mormon" videos.  Jake left for a 3pm Stake PEC meeting.  Lila and I played around and waited for Jake to get back.  He sold some of his drum cymbals for $50 after the meeting to a guy from Craigslist.

After he got home, we went to Kari and Bret's for pizza and a game night.  (So many game nights lately!  Everyone's getting tired of winter!)  The Burkheads, Ann and her husband Benjamin and baby Lucas, and Danielle Bush's sister Karen/husband/daughter were there.  Lila had fun playing with Hayden's toys.  He had lots of musical instruments.  She crawled into the kitchen a few times without Jake or I and sat in there happily... so she's not afraid to wander off on her own.  The VanZantens and Burkheads aren't necessarily people we have the most in common with, but there is something very comfortable, refreshing, and home-y about being with them, our fellow KUB'ers.  I do miss those KUB days.

Monday (yesterday) I was supposed to get up early, but Lila and I slept till 9:45.  Woops!  It was a good nap day for her though.  She slept from 12-1:20 and 5-6 (and we woke her up at 6 because we had to be somewhere).  Emily came over around noon, we had lunch, and after Lila woke up we went to Meijer for some groceries.  We had rotisserie chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn for dinner.  Em is such a big help.  

At 6 we woke Lila up and went to look at a house.  Really cute house, great condition, only 140k, but it's pretty small.  It's similar to my parent's house, but smaller... so it probably won't work out for us, but it was fun to look and dream and imagine.  Tonight, Jake is sounding pretty hesitant/skeptical of buying a house again.  Sigh.  ARGGHH!  When will this boy ever want to settle down?  He just wants to talk and pray about it more, which is good, but I just wish he was as gung ho about it as I am.  I want a house so much.  Anyway, that was nice. 

From there we drove over to Rand and Lynn Johnson's.  Rand texted Jake earlier in the day to say that Lynn wanted a priesthood blessing that day and specifically requested that Jake assist Rand in it.  It was a pretty neat experience.  Lynn wanted a blessing because their 3-year-old granddaughter Sadie, who has a rare genetic disorder, is in the ICU.  Complications occurred after a pretty simple procedure.  She told Jake (said, "this doesn't leave the house, but...") that he is one of the few men she knows that she trusts and feels comfortable enough with to give her a priesthood blessing.  We had a prayer before the blessing... I said it.  And then Jake asked who she'd like to act as voice, and after thinking for a moment, she asked Jake to.  Jake pointed out to me on the way home that Rand is going through this whole thing to, and it was probably neat for him to hear this blessing too... it would be comforting for him too.  It was a beautiful, beautiful blessing.  I've never heard Jake give one so specific before.  Even when he blessed Lila at church.  He got a little emotional too.  It was very touching, and the Spirit was there.  A very peaceful spirit.  I love the Johnsons.  I do hope and pray that their sweet Sadie recovers soon.

We got home at 8 and Mike came over for FHE.  He brought cookies.  He called me earlier that day to tell me about his "date night."  He's so funny... he talks a lot.  Kind of like a girl.  (The "date night" went well, but he wasn't really interested in any of the girls.  But he's mostly ecstatic to have a guy friend again... Brandon Zirkel.  He hasn't really had any friends since he married Kalina because she was so anti-social.  So he's thrilled.)  The lesson was on Priesthood Blessings and how a prayer should be offered before one is given to invite the spirit (given by Jake).  Mike brought yummy cookies.  Lila was asleep by 9!  We stayed up way too late though, 11:00.  I don't know why we do that.  We're both so tired.

Lila did not sleep well.  She loves to sleep on me now, but that's not very comfortable.  And she thrashes around and wakes herself up doing so.  She sleeps on her stomach now, and has peed through her diaper a few times recently, so I bought Huggies Overnight diapers and they seem to be working so far.  Sometimes she partially wakes up and starts crawling in her sleep and then bonks her head.  She hates that.  And then at like 4:30 she was up for an hour or so, which was... awesome.  So, we did not sleep well last night.

I just read from the book I ordered back in September (when Lila was going through one of these spells) and she is at the age where she's supposed to be really fussy and having a difficult time sleeping... according to the author's research.  It has excerpts of parents' journals, and they all write that their babies are waking up a lot and they're frustrated and not getting a lot of sleep.  So, at least I know I'm not in this alone and that this is pretty normal.  It should last another few weeks and then she should be much better.  I hope that's true.

This is super long.  Jake's still not home from his meeting... I think his phone is dead, so I don't know when he'll be home.  

So, today was ok too.  We slept till 9:15, which is a little earlier, right?  She took a good afternoon nap.  I cleaned up.  When she woke up we went to Target with Emily.  I got her a few things for Li (some hair bows, a 24-month dress because she's too big for her 18-month ones, and a shirt) and a few shirts on clearance ($3.50!) for me.  Got home, Lila took another nap, and when she woke up we met Jake for dinner at 5:30.  I had a primary meeting at 6:30 and he had his meeting at 7:00 so we met by the stake center.  Lila was cracking up at him for a long time... she was holding up a straw and he would bite it and shake it around.  She was hysterical.  It was awesome.

The meeting was alright.  Sharon Hunt (stake primary president) came in to talk about the changes in the handbook.  

I've been chatting on Facebook with Caty Perkins.  I really like her.  She's definitely a "kindred spirit."  Sam will be home from his mission in August.  Can't believe how time has flown.  They're still in love and it is so sweet to see how devoted they are to each other.  Planning on a December wedding.

Attachment

OK, so, Saturday night, Jake and I had a talk about Lila's sleeping.  It's gotten out of control since we got home from Christmas break.  She's gradually been going to bed later and later... this weekend it hasn't been till 11 or even midnight. She just won't fall asleep, it takes a few hours.  She's been teething... I wonder if that has something to do with it.  Anyway, so Jake suggested that we just wake her up earlier and put her to bed earlier.  Duh.  Why didn't I think of that?  Because I'm a tired, worn out mom who doesn't think straight.  Anyway, so we're going to try doing that and hopefully once Lila's getting to bed early enough, we'll all be happier.  I've been doing some more reading about sleep training methods, and maybe I'm just a total whimp, or just afraid of a lot of things happening to Lila (my relationship with her suffering, etc), but I just can't find one I'm comfortable with... besides continuing with the co-sleeping.  For now, anyway.  I do want her in her own bed when she's old enough to not be in a crib.  In her own room.  But she hates cribs... so...

Anyway, from all the reading I've been doing, looks like I'm definitely of the "attachment parenting" persuasion.  Some stereotypical attachment parenting "techniques": nursing past age 1, tandem nursing (nursing your toddler while also nursing your infant), co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc.  Before I had Lila, I always thought I wouldn't have a problem letting my child cry it out, and definitely did not want to nurse past a year.  I thought a year sounded like it was too long.  But now... I have this sweet, sweet child who is so good.  But also different than I pictured my child being.  She still isn't eating solids, AT ALL, at 10 months old.  She hates being in cribs.  And I don't know why I feel the way I do, but I feel them strongly and deeply.  (I don't intend to do tandem nursing, by the way...)

So I've been reading more about attachment parenting... and I'm not an enthusiast and I wouldn't label myself as such, or describe myself as one in talking with another person... I mean, some people are really proud to be attachment parents and advocate this type of parenting.  I've read some blogs of people like this.  (www.marvelouskiddo.com - she's a pretty extreme example.)  I'm much more hippy-ish than I thought I'd be sometimes...... but not very extreme.  Anyway... just thinking "out loud."

I feel a lot of guilt.  A lot of it.  About Lila not being "independent" in her sleeping and eating... but then I remember she is just a baby.  And she isn't supposed to be independent.  But I think it's time to let go of that guilt and just love being a mom, her mom.  Love these moments together.  In the hard moments I think about how someday she will be sleeping in her own bed, she will be a grown child, a teenager, a woman.  And how this day, or this night (especially when she's having a hard time falling asleep), is just one step closer to her being that child, teenager, adult.  And one less night that she is my sweet, chubby, fuzzy-headed baby girl.

I am coming to terms with the kind of mom I am (and I know the kind of mom I am will always evolve, as my children age and as more of them come into the family). I am not a scheduled mom. I'm not a neat and tidy mom. But, I sure do love my girl and I give her so much of myself.

I love breastfeeding. I love it so much more than I thought I would or than I knew a person could. I just love the relationship between Lila and I and nursing has strengthened that relationship so much. I get so sad when I think about weaning her.

Some things on "attachment parenting..."  (I like the first paragraph a lot, because that's exactly what I've been doing... I try to imagine that I've never heard advice from "experts" or other parents and try to do what feels natural to me... for example, sleeping with my baby in the other room has never really felt natural to me.)

Attachment parenting is not a new style of parenting. Attachment parenting is one of the oldest ways of caring for babies. In fact, it's the way that parents for centuries have taken care of babies, until childcare advisors came on the scene and led parents to follow books instead of their babies. Picture your family on a deserted island and you've just delivered a baby. There are no books, advisors, or in-laws around to shower you with child baby-tending advice. The baby B's of attachment parenting would come naturally to you as they have other cultures who have centuries more child-rearing experience and tradition than all of us have.


Attachment parenting is a question of balance –not being indulgent or permissive, yet being attentive. As you and your baby grow together, you will develop the right balance between attentive, but not indulgent. In fact, being possessive, or a "smother mother" (or father) is unfair to the child, fosters an inappropriate dependency on the parent, and hinders your child from becoming normally independent. For example, you don't need to respond to the cries of a seven-month-old baby as quickly as you would a seven-day-old baby.

Attachment Tip:
"It's easier for me to say 'no' to my attachment- parented child when she wants a lot of stuff, because I know I have given her so much of myself."

Attachment parenting is not permissive parenting.  Attachment parents become like gardeners: you can't control the color of the flower or the time of the year it blooms, but you can pick the weeds and prune the plant so that the flower blooms more beautifully. That's shaping. Attachment parents become master behavior-shapers.

Attachment mothering is not martyr mothering. Don't think that AP means baby pulls mommy's string and she jumps. Because of the mutual sensitivity that develops between attached parents and their attached children, parents' response time can gradually lengthen as mother enables the older baby to discover that he does not need instant gratification. Yes, you give a lot of yourself in those early months, but you get back a lot more in return. Attachment-parenting is the best investment you'll ever make -- the best long-term investment you'll ever make, in your child, and yourselves.

Attachment parenting is not spoiling a child. New parents ask, "Won't holding our baby a lot, responding to cries, nursing our baby on cue, and even sleeping with our baby create an overly dependent manipulative child?" Our answer is an emphatic no. In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite. Attachment fosters independence. Attachment parenting implies responding appropriately to your baby; spoiling suggests responding inappropriately. The spoiling theory began in the early part of this century when parents turned over their intuitive childrearing to "experts"; unfortunately, the childcare thinkers at the time advocated restraint and detachment (i.e., formulas for childcare), along with scientifically produced artificial baby milk – "formula" for feeding babies. They felt that if you held your baby a lot, fed on cue, and responded to cries, you would spoil and create a clingy, dependent baby. There was no scientific basis to this spoiling theory, just unwarranted fears and opinions. We would like to put the spoiling theory on the shelf – to spoil forever.

Research has finally proven what mothers have long suspected: You cannot spoil a baby by attachment. Spoiling means leaving something alone, such as putting food on the shelf to spoil. The attachment style of parenting does not mean overindulgence or inappropriate dependency. The possessive parent, or "hover mother," is one who keeps an infant from doing what he needs to do because of her own insecure needs. This has a detrimental effect on both the infants and the parents. Attachment differs from prolonged dependency. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency will hinder development.

Game Night, Lonely Mike

Game night with Frank and his wife, Kate, was a lot of fun.  Kate is from Vicksburg (and she knows who Brady and Kelsey are).  She is due with their first, a boy, in a few weeks.  So it was fun talking about pregnancy and babies.  She's definitely the talker in their marriage, but Jake and I agree that it was nice, because she had interesting things to talk about and she asked a lot of questions too.  She majored in Linguistics and Italian and sells truffles and other exotic mushrooms to restaurants.  It was a fun time, after their son is born I think I'll try to bring over dinner or something.

Friday morning, Lila and I went over to Kasey Hunt's.  She wanted to talk cameras and photography.  She just got a DSLR and really wants to learn more about photography.  I truthfully haven't spent much time or energy since I got pregnant on photography, but I suppose it's time to get back into it.  Especially now that I have friends who are also interested.  Kasey wants to start a "photography club"... there are a few other women in RS who like it, so she wants to have a photo shoot every month.  She wants to do a maternity one in February or March with Desiree and/or Annette Shumway.  I spent two hours over there.  The babies got to play together and we got to chat.  It's so nice to spend time with other moms during the day... I'm starting to get cabin fever; winter is getting old!  Kasey's really nice.  I think I'll go over there this week.  Other women in the ward are always like, "Uh yeah, you should come over.  Whenever you want.  More than once a week."  We're all bored.

Friday afternoon, I did Primary stuff while Lila played around in the living room.  Cleaned up.  Jake wanted to go to Guitar Center and I wanted to go out to eat.  (AnnaMarie pointed out that we eat out a lot.  It's true!  We're only going to eat out once a week from here on out.  Friday nights.  I love going out on Friday night.)  We went to Panera on Westnedge where Emily was working.  I told Jake that Emily would be SO excited to see us, and she was.  It was hilarious.

Friday night we watched An Education on Netflix.  (We got a Blu-ray in the mail, but they sent us Eclipse again on accident.)  He liked the movie.  Lila didn't get to bed till late and we were all very tired.

Saturday morning Jake helped Jana move her stuff into a storage unit.  She's moving to Battle Creek because her internship/student teaching is over there.  So he was gone till maybe one.  Lila took a nap and Jake and I got some much needed alone time.  After Lila got up we all laid in bed for a while, Jake was tired.  Then we went to the church to quickly do a few things and then to Walmart to pick up some groceries.  We were planning on having Dan and Mike over for dinner, but at the last minute, Dan cancelled because he had to pick up a shift at work.

So, we decided to have dinner at Mike's place.  Lila fell asleep in the car on the way home, so we thought she would sleep all the way over to Mike's.  But she woke up when we hit the freeway.  It was my first time to Mike's since the whole thing with Kalina happened.  He still doesn't have couches.  He had a campout with his YM the night before and it went really well... he made sure to have a fireside and testimony meeting and then a Preach My Gospel activity where the YM could practice teaching.  He said it was awesome and unlike any activity the YM usually have during the year... mixing fun with spirituality.  I told him that Girls Camp does that really well.  He was saying that the boys were farting on each other and sledding down the stairs on mattresses... things that would never happen at a YM event. :)  I miss youth!

Mike was bothered because Cassandra hadn't written back.  On Friday night, when he was at the YM campout, he sent me a Facebook message:

So, the day after Cassandra got back to school I thought to myself "I really (genuinely) miss talking to her". It really felt like an emptiness inside me. Well, when I think about it now, I still feel that way. I want to talk to her! So, that kinda stinks. I really like her. I'm not talking about love, but I just really...want that friendship with her. I want to get to know her more. So it's a big downer that she hasn't corresponded with me anymore. I really didn't expect that. I don't know why this is going down the way it is and I don't know where this is going to go; I just know that it is all to my benefit. But, I wish that things were looking up a little more than they are. I see that I am being taught the eternal principle of patience and maybe even long-suffering.

Poor guy.  Very confused and lonely.  He was wondering if Sister Lillrose had somehow met Kalina at an ARP meeting (Sis. Lillrose runs those) and found out about Mike, and thought maybe Kalina told her that Mike was emotionally abusive.  Jake and I reassured him that Cassandra is probably just really busy.  Well, later that night, she finally did write back, and it was really nice... just a friendly email, nothing romantic, which is really what Mike needs right now... friendship, not romance.  He was feeling pretty down and depressed earlier this week and went to the temple.  Tonight he has a "date"... a couple from his ward is having a game night and inviting a non-member friend over to introduce to Mike.  He's pretty excited.

Cupcakes and Late-night Movies

Tuesday night, Jake didn't have his stake meeting, which was really nice.  So we had dinner and then all headed over to the stake center anyway, because I had a primary presidency meeting.  It was less than an hour long... I was a little late, and then Rachel had to leave early to take her boys to a hip hop dance class. (She's so funny/interesting.)  Jake watched Lila and the other kids, which was nice of him and he loves doing that.  "Little kids lover."  He really wants a boy next. :)

When we got home, we watched Eclipse, which was so cheesy.  But funny.

Yesterday was alright.  I was a little tired/grouchy all day.  Lila's been going to bed pretty late and hasn't been napping well.  Emily came over.  We looked at houses online while Lila napped (found a few great ones) and then went grocery shopping.  We made B.E.L.T's for dinner.

After Emily left, I went back to Walmart to get a muffin tin and some other things.  Jake stayed home to give Lila a bath.  We suspected that she might have an ear infection because she had goop coming out from her ear and was cranky... so I decided to take her in this morning.  She slept from 7:30-9 and then was up until 10:30.  Jake was pretty tired so he went to bed early, but we did get to hang out and play as a family for a little, which was nice.

I made 48 cupcakes while they slept and watched An Education on Netflix.  I was up till 1am.  I didn't sleep well... was coughing and then Lila was up a lot.  Oh well.

This morning I took Lila to the doctor.  She didn't have an ear infection, but now I know.  Oh well.  Got home, Lila took a nice nap, and then we went to the chapel to help with a funeral.  I brought my cupcakes and helped set up tables.  Got to visit with the other ladies there... Alicia, Holly, and Rachel.  And their kids.  Alicia is due with her second in June, he'll be 18 months younger than Brig.  It was cute seeing Lila crawl and play around with the other kids, she likes that a lot.

Came home, now Lila's sleeping again (going on an hour! yay!) and I'm making beef stroganoff.  I was supposed to hang out with Desiree, but forgot about that because of the funeral.  So we'll hang out next week.  Tonight, Jake's old co-worker from Stryker (Frank) is coming over with his pregnant wife (Kate) for dessert and maybe games.  It's been a social week so far!

Little Lila

Just got Lila to bed, after an hour of watching her roll around in her crib.  She's something else, that girl.  I think she has another ear infection.  There's goop coming out of her ear, she hasn't been sleeping well, she was crying a lot tonight.  I'll take her in tomorrow.  Poor thing.

I rocked her for a few minutes after she fell asleep, and she laid her little hand against my chest, and it was heaven.  I kissed her little fingers and thought about how fast these last 10 months have gone by.  These baby years won't last long, and though I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, I know that I will look back on them with fondness and longing.  I know that I will miss these years someday.  I will miss my sweet, blonde little baby girl.  So I try to enjoy them while I can.... to take deep breaths and just live in the moment.  I love my sweet girl.

Little Known Facts, Play Date

Last Thursday I had lunch with Rebecca Makas at Panera.  She's doing well.  On winter break.  She has one semester to go before she's done with her Masters!  It has gone by so quickly.  She's considering applying to another MA program here at Western.  I would love it if she moved back.  She's funny and I like her a lot.  It's been around a year since her boyfriend/fiance Rodger passed away.  So sad.

Yesterday, Lila and I laid low again.  It's no fun going anywhere when it's so cold out.  Jake has been taking the car to work the past few days, to save gas and to make use of the remote starter.  Lila took three 30-40 minute naps yesterday, so didn't get to bed till 10:30 again.  Annoying, but whatever.

Jake emailed me a request for random, little-known facts about him for a profile for Maestro's website.  They want it to be "light and fun."  Here's some things we (Emily and I) came up with:

dance: high school and michigan tech.

theater: che in evita

drums. rock-n-roll band. 

fluent in mandarin chinese.

was an extra in schindler's list

nick carter lookalike

was into black girls for a while

cameron diaz

wet the bed in college

watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear

great godfather impression

farts in his sleep

takes immodium daily

anal fissure

:)

Some are true, some are false.  I knew Jake wouldn't think the false ones were funny, but Emily and I sure did.

Jake didn't get home till around 6 or later.  Had a meeting at 5.  We had taco salad, and this time I had the idea to add black beans and corn, and that was yummy.

Mike came over and had FHE with us.  He still hasn't heard from Cassandra.  Our lesson was going over and revising the Stake Presidency's outline for the second half of ward/branch conferences.  They're using Lund's CDs as a guide and talking about marriage and communication.  We also tried to come up with more facts about Jake.  One we came up with was that he was a fudge-packer. :)  We had cookies, straight from the oven, again.  We've been buying Betty Crocker bag mixes and they're pretty good and easy too.

Today, I got Lila to sleep in till around 11.  She was up from like 8:30-9:30 but then slept till 11.  That girl and her weird sleeping.  She went down for a nap at 1:30 and did sleep for an hour then.  Kari (Hayden, Chloe), Amber (Hayden), and Ann (Lucas) came over at 2:30 and the kids ran wild.  I'm definitely not used to that much noise in my house :) but I'll have to get used to it.  Lila loved having the kids here.  The older ones were all standing by her bouncer, just playing with the toys and lights on it, and Lila crawled over, pulled herself up to standing on one of the posts and just stood there like, "Hey guys, what's up?"  It was way cute.  I don't think she'll be a shy little girl.  Seems to really like other babies and kids.  Ann is really nice.  She's originally from Kzoo, but worked in Mexico for a few years teaching English, and met her husband there.  Ann actually isn't a member yet, but goes with her husband regularly and I think might be starting to get really interested in the church.  We all agreed to have more play dates this winter.  Winter is really starting to take a toll on me!

Love

I forgot to write about my favorite part of Ironwood.  There were a few nights where we slept in the cabin instead of the lodge.  Figured we would get more sleep/peace there because it was only Grandma and Grandpa sleeping there.  So after they and Lila were in bed, Jake and I would stay up and lay on the couch together, just like we did the Christmas 2006.  (It's a new couch now, but same spot.)  The only light came from the Christmas lights on the porch, just like the "old days."  Except in '06 we would stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning, but that's way too late for us now that we're parents and an old married couple. :)

It was a full-circle moment.  The kind that I love.  In 2006, Jake drove from Ironwood to Escanaba before church started to pick me up.  It was the day after Christmas.  I spent two or three nights in Ironwood with his family and it was when we really started to "fall in love."  By the end of that vacation, we were head-over-heels, crazy in love, inseparable.  I went skiing with his family, we went snowmobiling, and got to spend uninterrupted quality time together.

And there we were, six years later, with our sweet baby daughter sleeping in the next room... the room where I slept as a 17-year-old girl.  I could almost feel our "spirits," the ghosts of our past, there in the room... our dreams and hopes for the future.  I think that place is where I first told Jake that I loved him, and I was so scared and nervous to.  That was where I gave him a back rub for the first time (he said I was pretty bad at it back then, hehe).  It's a special memory for us.

So we laid there and reminisced and oh, it was divine.  One of those lovey-dovey moments that are more rare these days than they used to be.  We held each other tight and whispered and smiled.  He told me, "I love you so much, Rudi.  I wish I could have loved you more in the past."  He said he wishes he would have loved me more tenderly and loved me more fiercely back then.  How sweet.  It was so good to have that short time to just remember who we are deep inside... a boy and a girl still madly in love.

Catching Up

Lila and I laid low this week. Didn't get out and socialize at all, except with Emily, who came over on Wednesday. We went grocery shopping with her and to Culver's. Yum. I love having her help. She locked herself out of her apartment yesterday evening so I picked her up and she hung out with us. She watched the baby so that Jake and I could take a shower.

Jake and I spoke today in church. My topic was about lessons from Christ's life in the four gospels. Jake's was lessons we learn from the apostles in Acts-Revelation. Both talks went really well. Last night I dreamt that we were an hour late for church and I was so ashamed/embarrassed that I hid in the bathroom for the final two hours of church. But luckily we made it there on time and all went smoothly. I talked about how Christ teaches using parables to make gospel principles seem less abstract and more real to us. Discussed the parable of the two debtors--the one Jake and I read a few months ago in FHE when we talked about forgiving Kalina. I also talked about the prodigal son and read from Elder Holland's April '02 talk "The Other Prodigal." It went really well. Sister Lillrose (Cassandra's mom) stopped me in the hallway today to say she really enjoyed it, took notes, thinks that we'll be such an asset to the ward and that the KUB must miss us.

Primary was pretty crazy again today, due to lack of organization on the Primary presidency's part and also because the kids were hyper, but we got through it and it got better as the day went on. Jake took Lila to the nursing home and she fell asleep on the way back to church. She stayed asleep while Jake took her out of the car (something she rarely does) and slept through most of EQ. She didn't get to bed till late last night (11) and so we had to wake her up early for church... so hopefully she'll go down earlier tonight. Her and Jake are sleeping right now... I just took a nap too. It's so nice getting home early from church now!

Mike stopped by with one of his YM and his (girl)friend last night to show them Jake's drum set. His YM happens to be the grandson of Bruce C. Hafen, whose talks we've been reading a lot this week, coincidentally.

Mike's doing ok. He stopped by on Thursday night with some mushrooms he'd marinated and wanted us (me) to try. (Jake isn't a big mushroom fan.) He said that his co-worker marinated them for 3 hours, but he marinated them overnight. And WOW were they flavorful! :) Much too flavorful. I think he made them because mushrooms was a topic of discussion on the dinner "date" with Cassandra (she said the only mushrooms she'd ever liked were the ones I made when she came over for a steak dinner with Kiwi and Sunny). He told us he had a very good talk with Dan and was bold about a lot of things... Dan is still dating (sleeping with) his 16-year-old girlfriend and wants to get his own apartment so she can live with him. But he's also talked about breaking up with her recently too. And he got his tongue pierced this week!! What a punk. Mike said, "I can't believe that you're still with her after you saw what I went through with Kalina, and the damage that pre-marital sex can have to a person." After the talk, Dan went outside to have one of his electronic cigarettes and then came up and said, "Thanks for the talk, Mike. It might seem like I'm not listening, but I am." Which is good, I guess. Jake and Mike also made a spreadsheet of all the date-able girls in the stake (single, between the ages of 20-27, etc). Jake can do that because he's the stake clerk. ;) Cassandra wrote back while he was here. It was a decent response; a lot shorter than the email Mike wrote, but that's understandable. He's still bummed that she's moving so slowly, but we told him that he has nothing better to do :) so he should continue to develop a friendship with her. Man, if I were 26-years-old and single, I would be putting forth a much greater effort to get married than Cassandra is ;)

Friday night, Jake worked till after 6 and didn't get home till 6:40. While he was on his way home, Lila took the biggest poop of her life and maybe the biggest poop in the history of the world. She hadn't pooped for the past 3 days, so I should've expected it, but WOW. It was insane. It was everywhere... her arms and legs, her back, her front, it was insane. The first time I've had to put her in the tub because it was so messy. lol. The whole thing was so funny. And ironic that Jake got there just as I was getting her dressed. Our deal for Friday night was no computers--so that we could have pure family time. Whenever we have our computers on, we end up getting distracted from spending quality time together. It worked out well! Jake took me (and Lila) out on a date. We went to Olde Peninusla Brew Pub downtown and the food was pretty good! It was fun being downtown, versus a chain restaurant. We sat next to another baby (who was a year old and smaller than Lila). The parents were sharing their dessert with her... I can't wait till we can share our dessert with Lila and she'll actually eat it! Good conversation... we caught up on the week, Jake's first week of work. Here are the compliments he's received from Josh and Jen (the owners of Maestro, and Jen is the President of Maestro):

From Josh -
From all reports I hear, you're a steely-eyed missile man. Well liked. Charming. On the ball. Fast learner. Helpful. Up for the challenge. Forecast looks sunny, no clouds.

From Jen:
Wow! What a great first week. From naming everyone and their role at our “water cooler” meeting on Monday through the end of the day today, where I found you at 6pm sending personal notes to potential 3D animators….and everything in between, you’ve made a smart first impression. And, what’s really exciting, I know it’s only going to get better. Thanks, too, for your willingness to assist in the Stryker ST09 project. I very much appreciate you joining me to exceed the clients expectations. My stress level has already decreased knowing your high level of detail will be what makes the difference. Welcome to the team, Jake. We are so glad you’re here.

When we got home from our date, we watched Toy Story 3.  Great movie!

Saturday we cleaned up the place, Jake hung some pictures on the wall that have been waiting to be hung since we moved here in July.......  We went to lunch at Culver's and then went grocery shopping.  Lunch was fun. Lila was in a good mood, smiling and flirting with people.  Jake described his boss, Jen's, hair this week... apparently it was pretty messy, which is funny.  Funny that 1) Jake noticed and 2) it was bad enough for Jake to notice.  Saturday evening, Jake made cookies and we watched an SVU.

I really like this Jake guy.  He's good people.