Dear Lila

Dear Lila,

The other day it struck me that I should write you a letter before the baby comes.  I have all of these thoughts and feelings floating around in my head, and most of them revolve around you lately.  When you were a baby, I really enjoyed writing to you every month.  After you turned a year old, you required so much more of my attention that it would've been difficult and not as therapeutic to sit down and write to you.  But now just seems like the perfect time to write to you again, before the birth of your baby brother.

This whole experience, my second pregnancy, has been very different from my pregnancy with you.  With you, everything was so new and I was so excited and it seemed to be like all your dad and I could think about.  This time, most of my focus has still been on you, because you're here now and I need to take care of you every day.  When I was pregnant with you, I spent a lot of time thinking about what you might be like... what you might look like, what kind of personality you might have, how I might feel about you.  And since I've become a mom, I realize that though my parenting does influence your behavior, you really are your own little person.  So I've spent much less time wondering and daydreaming about what your brother might look like or be like, because we'll find out soon enough.

Lila, I have to tell you how much I love being your mom.  When I slow down to think about motherhood and what it's like, I often think about how much work it is and how hard it can be sometimes; but when I'm actually going about my day and we're playing or talking together, it's just so much fun!  We laugh together a lot.  And you're constantly saying and doing things that make your dad and I giggle and sigh, "She is the coolest kid ever!"  You are so smart, smarter than any kid your age that I know.  You have a huge vocabulary and speak in sentences, like a little kid almost.  I'm so glad that I had you first, because I love having a child that I can speak to and with.  I hope that this will help our transition to having another child, and I know that you will love learning and talking about your baby brother.  And you really are such a good girl for me.  You're very independent and mostly like to do things on your own, but you're also usually very obedient.  For the most part, you listen to me and your dad, and I love you for it.  You're not a trouble maker.  You don't throw or hit or get into things that you're not supposed to.  You don't like making messes.  I know all of this could change in a matter months, but I don't think that it will, because it doesn't seem to be in your nature.  You are sweet and mild, and I'm so grateful to have you.  You have a very special place in our family, as the oldest child.  I'm sure that I will rely on you as my little helper for as long as you live in our home.

I'm not nervous about having another baby.  I feel a lot more confident this time around about having a baby and taking care of one.  But I am nervous about how you will handle this big change in our lives. I worry about you.  I know that it will be very hard for you when I'm holding and feeding him.  I just hope that through all of these changes, you will be able to feel of my love for you.  I pray all the time that you will be comforted by Heavenly Father, His spirit, and that angels will attend to you at this time.  I've seen how upset you get when I hold other babies, and I just think that this will probably rock your world for a while.  And I'm sorry to do that, but I also know that this will be one of the greatest gifts I can gift to you: a sibling.

I love you so much, sweet Lila.  You are the most beautiful little spirit I've ever known.  I am so happy to be your mom and I have loved this time, just the two of us.  I'm a little sad to see this special time end, but I know that our relationship will continue to grow, and that it will always be a very special relationship.  You are my oldest child and my oldest daughter, and I'll always have a big piece of my heart set aside just for you.  I hope you always know how much I love you.

I love you forever,
Mommy