This has been a pretty lame week. Lame because I'm just feeling really blah and unmotivated. Lila's been under the weather, but it hasn't been too bad. She's actually just been sleeping more, which is fine by me. But we haven't been going out and doing a lot like usual, so I'm just not used to sitting at home all the time. But I need to get used to it... we'll be doing a lot of that this winter!
Yesterday at around 4 we stopped at Kate Whitaker's to visit. That was nice. Jake and I were supposed to drop Lila off at Holly's for our date night, but since she has a cold, we didn't. We did go pick up a bed rail for Lila from Craigslist and then went out to get custard at Culver's, so it was still a fun night as a family. Lila is so darn cute. We love her.
Lately she's been loving the green smoothies that Jake makes and regularly requests "moonies" (smoothies). She also likes string cheese. We went for a walk as a family last night and then had smoothies. But I can't drink the ones Jake usually makes because I've developed an allergy to peaches. Bummer.
We spent time talking to Mike on the phone. Things are still shakey with Cassandra, and I suspect they will continue to be for a while, but Mike is still willing and wanting to work on it, which is good. I actually wrote Cassandra an email, because I felt prompted to. In response, she said she and Mike were having a lot of ups and downs and asked if Jake and I experienced that. I wrote this --
Hey Cassandra,
Life here is good. Trying to enjoy the last of the warm weather and life with just one child. I have a feeling that the transition to two kids is going to be pretty hard, but even so, we're so excited to meet him and for Lila to have a little brother. Kids are a lot of fun. Mike's been sharing some of his side of the story, so I kind of know what's going on, but his perception of it is probably different than yours. :) I do think that I understand where you're coming from, at least from the things that Mike has said. I had a lot of big decisions to make after I met Jake. It all seemed to happen very quickly, and Jake was very intense too :) There were definitely some ups and downs in our relationship in the beginning, but those ended as soon as I decided once and for all that I was going to marry Jake. After we decided to merge our lives together, things were still very difficult--because my parents and other family members weren't supportive of our decision to marry at such young ages and in the temple... and because it takes a lot of work to see eye-to-eye and figure out how to make a relationship work--but we faced those problems together, and I think that built a strong foundation for our whole marriage. Actually, the period of our engagement was the most difficult time of my whole life. I was heartbroken that my parents weren't supportive and wouldn't be able to be at the sealing (my dad, though endowed, decided to sit with my mom during the ceremony), and it was really hard to be living 3 hours away from Jake (he was at college). I was under a lot of stress, especially not being able to see how it would all work out in the end. But, I felt so strongly that Heavenly Father would bless me, our marriage, and our future children, for the righteous decisions I was making: to be sealed for eternity to a righteous man that I loved. And Heavenly Father has surely blessed us. My relationship with my parents has never been better. Especially with my mom. She adores Jake and especially adores her grandchildren. And even though I was told before I got married that happiness in marriage is so wonderful, I had no idea that Jake and I could be so happy together. We are so happy together, every day.
Thinking back to the time when I was trying to make a decision about what I should do (I needed to first of all decide if I was going to go to BYU as planned or if I was going to stay in the UP, and I knew that if I stayed in the UP I would marry Jake), I received advice from my parents at times when I was very distraught and confused that helped me make the decision. Even though we didn't see eye-to-eye about me marrying Jake, they knew that Jake and I were very much in love and very happy together. I remember talking with my dad once, and he told me that as long as I was being obedient to Heavenly Father's commandments and living righteously, I could do what I wanted to do (in regards to marrying Jake or not), and I would be happy. I just needed to do what felt right. And then talking to my mom, she said something along the lines of, "I don't think you could find a better man than Jake. He loves you so much. He is a good man." I knew that was true. I understood that if I didn't want to marry Jake--I knew it was about what I wanted to do--that I would eventually find another man who would be good and kind and righteous. He wouldn't be better than Jake, he would just be different. And I knew that I would be just as happy with one righteous man as I would with another, because usually marriage is what you make of it. But, I realized that no, I couldn't hope to find another man better than Jake. He was good, kind, loving, wonderful... even though in many ways he was not the kind of person I expected I'd marry (I never ever imagined that I'd marry such a practical engineer type guy). Most importantly, he loved me fiercely and was so loyal and committed to having a happy marriage. And I couldn't bear the thought of losing him, and of him moving on and of him marrying/loving another woman. So I made my decision. And I have never, ever regretted it.
Oh, and here's a quote from Elder Holland I read recently that I loved. I shared it with Mike too.
"To give ourselves totally to another person, as we do in marriage, is the most trusting step we take in any human relationship. It is a real act of faith--faith all of us must be willing to exercise. If we do it right, we end up sharing everything--all our hopes, all our fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses, and all our joys--with another person. No serious courtship or engagement is worth the name if we do not fully invest all that we have in it and in so doing trust ourselves totally to the one we love. You cannot succeed in love if you keep one foot out on the bank for safety's sake. The very nature of the endeavor requires that you hold on to each other as tightly as you can and jump in the pool together.
Looking back, I'm so grateful for those opportunities I was given to grow. It tested my faith a lot, but because Jake and I moved forward, we've been blessed. Marriage is wonderful, Cassandra. It is so worth every sacrifice and difficult decision, and all the late nights talking and figuring things out together. I hope you and Mike can come to a decision together that you'll be happy with. How are you feeling about everything? Remember to relax and have fun together too. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the intense and important things that we forget to just have fun and laugh together.
Rudi
Anyway. They both still have a lot to learn about relationships. :)
Bedtime was rough. Lila wasn't feeling well and I was exhausted, so she didn't get to bed till 11. Jake was awesome though and cleaned the kitchen and living room for me. Good man. Oh, one of the reasons I was worn out was because Lila threw her first full-fledged tantrum yesterday morning. It wasn't horrible, but it was annoying. :) She was mad because I took her owl jammies off to change her diaper and put clothes on her. And she lost it. I picked out a shirt that she wanted to wear, and even though she wanted me to put it on her, every time I tried she would freak out. So that lasted 20 minutes or so, but ended just as quickly and easily as it began. Weird. Guess I'll have to get used to that. Just lots of crying and screeching and gagging, nothing major. I remember crying like that when I was little... I remember laying on the ground and crying and feeling the tears fall into my ears and my hair and while I was laying there, thinking very clearly, "I don't know why I'm crying, but it feels good." lol. So, at least I kind of know what she's going through.
Sometimes with the tantrums, it just helps to keep talking through it, just keep explaining things. They understand more that you think they do, and will respond to reason. Sometimes. Sometimes they need to be forced, and sometimes you let them wear their jammies awhile longer.
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