A lot of my sadness, frustration, and anger has been directed at him. We haven't really had the chance to talk in the past few days. Yesterday he came to my midwife appointment with me, but we spent most of the time wrangling and trying to soothe Lila, who was very cranky and didn't feel well. And then he was only home for 10 minutes between work and his meeting. I know that it's probably mostly because I'm very tired, but I feel very hurt by the way he's been acting and by how busy he is. I know that some women don't have husbands, or supportive husbands, or that some women see their husbands much less than I do, but I'm still hurting. And not even because he's been gone a lot, but I just feel like we're not his top priority lately. I don't expect to receive all of his attention all the time, or even most of his attention most of the time, but even when he is home and with us, lately he's been so stressed out about work that he's not fully there with us. There have been a few times recently where he's said to me so earnestly and emphatically, "Rudi, I love my job. I really love it." And I think that's wonderful and I'm so happy for him, that he's found a job that he loves and excels at and is appreciated for. But it's been a while since I've felt that same enthusiasm from him towards our marriage and family. He's still a good husband and father. He plays with Lila and is good to her. But especially in these long weeks of no or little sleep, I need extra support, encouragement, appreciation, and love from him that I'm just not getting. I feel like he'd maybe rather be working or is thinking about work.
It's hard when our family is my whole life and focus, and it's only a fraction of his. I know that all he does is technically for our family. But he has a life outside of our home that I'm not a part of. I think that maybe I should get a hobby or something, but I can barely keep up with life as it is without focusing on something else. I don't usually feel this way. I'm tired and emotional and pregnant too... but I feel like this is something we need to talk about. Hopefully tonight Lila will cooperate enough for Jake and I to have at least some time to talk together.
Lila. That girl. I love her so much. I've been really trying to be patient and compassionate with her as she's been feeling sick and in pain. I've been reminded of my commitment to her and her happiness, of my important role as her mother. I've been reminded by the spirit that being a mother is a lot like being a wife... you commit to love your child for better or worse, in sickness or in health. I'm her mother when it's difficult as well as when we're having fun and she's happy. She needs me to do things for her that she cannot do herself. As I've spent much of my time laying in bed next to her this past week, soothing and comforting her, I've felt drawn to Christ. He is my Savior, He is her Savior, and He is a perfect example of a nurturer. I'm reminded that what I'm learning now in these tough weeks is to be more like Him. These times when she's little and helpless and needs her mother so desperately won't be forever. But what I do for her now is establishing a strong foundation of love for our future together. Someday we will be friends. Someday I will be able to have conversations with her and laugh with her and bond with her emotionally. I so look forward to that time. But I try to live in the now, and to appreciate and love her now because I know that this time, when she's so little, is so important. It's for me as much as it is for her.
The thought has also struck me lately that while I have a very natural and strong, instinctive love for her, my daughter, she is not necessarily born with that same love, fondness, and devotion to me, her mother. I have to earn her love. I know that she adores me and loves me, but it's because I have devoted my life to her since she's been here. I serve her every day and give so much of myself to her. But that's why she loves me.
The video I posted above made me weep this afternoon. I am building and working towards something so much bigger than I can imagine. I am raising a little toddler who will someday be a young woman, and eventually a woman, wife, and mother. I hope and pray that I will be a good enough mother--with the help of Heavenly Father and Christ--that someday Lila will say those things about me. That she will love and admire me and enjoy my company. That she will look to me for guidance and direction, and that together we can search, ponder, and pray.
One more thought, in closing. I read this quote in an interview on www.mormonwomen.com, coming from a woman who has five children under the age of five, including two sets of twins.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this time when it’s common for young mothers to feel spiritually barren. We’re in our own little wilderness. A good friend of mine keeps a letter in her scriptures that her mother gave her before she went on her mission. She wrote, “Like Alma, John the Baptist and all the other recobites, you will be out in the wilderness. But that is where all the fiery things happen. It is where God likes to come.” I love that idea. Even though this is such an intense time, He does not forsake us—even when we can’t be as spiritually committed as we’d like and when our spiritual study isn’t what we want it to be.
My heart is there. I want to give my spirit the time. I want to be diligent, but I’m doing the best I can. I have to trust that’s enough. And when I look back, I think I’ll see that He really does visit in those times. He’s a part of it. He’s there. He’s handling my life even when I don’t see and feel it.
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