overall, this went really well. Really really well. Towards the end she kept saying things like, “I will take this, think about it, and see if there are other things I need to know. But if you come up with things that you want to add, which you probably will, then feel free to do so at anytime.” It felt like she was fishing for something. So I asked her if she was and she said she wasn’t and finally she gave me some good and clear communication. She said, “Mike, you went through a lot, and that is a lot to go through alone. I want to lift some of the burden off of your shoulders. And I don’t know if you see it yet or know exactly how it will turn out, but I’m sure that it’ll leave some scars and will cause you to act differently in some ways. I want to know what those ways are. I want to know what it is that you need as a result of this so that I can help you through it.” That was awesome. She is so sweet and caring. And the fact that she recognizes that I will have different needs as a result of my divorce and wanting to know exactly what those are so she can be sensitive to/helpful with them is really touching. I told her that I am over the divorce, that I didn’t go through it alone, and that I certainly do have some extra needs. I talked about how I am apprehensive to share...because I'm always looking for an exit. And it’s not that I can’t or don’t want to share, it’s just that I automatically question why it is I’m being questioned when someone is asking me for something. And I said, “If you ask me something, and it’s pretty clear that I’m hesitant or looking for a way out, or if I give you a really vague response, it might help if you just say “you can have some more time to think about it if you’d like.” She said that was a great idea. So we then practiced it. It was awesome. It might seem a little insignificant, but it was actually really great. And for her to express that she wants to work with me on my scars (as opposed to running away because scars are inherent) really meant a lot to me. And it tells me that she is really serious about this. So she proceeded to ask how this all affects my trust towards other people. Not knowing exactly what to say, I gave it my best and shared with her that because I was abandoned and cheated on, it takes a little more for me to build trust with or feel trusting of other people. I told her the best way to overcome that is by filling my love bucket :) I had to explain what that meant, because she hasn’t actually read the 5 love languages, she’s just heard a lot about it. But I told her that I ultimately need more affirmation/reaffirmation in the filling of my love bucket. I asked her what t is that helps her to feel loved in a relationship, or what I can do to help her feel loved. She said that she’d think about it, because she isn't really sure, but also said that she is very receptive to the way that other people feel towards her, and because of that she can feel loved by many different means. That’s a little confusing. More to come on that I’m sure.
Previous to the above paragraph, but after we finished going through everything that we wanted to, she said “You really went through a lot. I feel really bad for you and I feel really bad for Kalina too. She has so many issues and must really struggle with a lot of things inside. And it’s sad that she’s been dealing with them for so long. I hope that she can overcome those problems and get the help that she needs.” So, I supported what she said and told her “Yeah, she really has a lot that she deals with. And it’s clear that she still does judging by the fact that she came to me bawling like she did, looking for forgiveness. She thought that leaving me would be the easiest way to abandon the awful way that she felt in our marriage, and I think that she is realizing she didn’t feel awful because of our marriage, but because of her past. At some point she will have to forgive herself for the poor decision that she made in leaving me. It was really hard to watch her make some of the decisions that she made. She even expressed that she did some of the things that she did to try and get back at me. But the truth is that they just hurt her more. It was so sad to see my wife make such bad decisions and do things that would cause her much more pain than she was already dealing with.”
I’m getting sleepy now. But that was pretty much the outcome of our conversation. I thanked he rand further encouraged her to continue to ask me questions. I told her that I appreciated her listening and being attentive. Oh, I also said “There’s more stuff that I can share, but if you want more or less, just let me know. And maybe the time will come when you will say ‘mike, I want to read everything that you ever wrote as you went through your divorce’ and at that time, I’ll let you see it all. That’s just fine with me.” She responded saying “Yeah, I think I’d actually be more inclined to tell you to just throw it all away, because you don’t need that stuff. And it’s all in the past. I’ll probably just tell you to burn it. But you don’t need to do that yet. We’ll see where this goes.” I said “That’ll be just fine with me. And FYI, I have already purged a lot of things from my apartment and my life, because they simply don’t mean anything to me, and I have no need for those things to be around.” So, now she knows that I’m willing to throw that crap away and don’t feel a need to hold onto it. At the very end, she said “thanks for talking with me. It’s always nice to talk to you and you make me really happy...and that’s important.”
So, things are really starting to move forward. And, what's more, they updated their relationship status on Facebook and really made things "official." It's so funny. Cassandra's Facebook has exploded... lots of comments and 28 "likes."
Anyway. My birthday. I was super tired when Lila and I got up at around 8. But I was happily surprised and delighted to see that Jake had left post-it notes with happy birthday messages all over the apartment for me to find. It was really cute and a very sweet gesture, and means more to me than a birthday present, really. We met Jake at noon at the carpet shop. While we were talking to Mike last night he did some research on the carpet we were planning on getting and found out that it's actually Polyester, not this other Nylon-ish material that we were told. So, you can imagine how Jake reacted... :) Not angry or anything, but he just gets really... anxious about purchases like this. We ended up going back with Migala's for $6400. He was pretty "nervous" about it, but it helped that I had a calm attitude about it. So, that's that. They'll start installing it tomorrow and should be done by the end of the day on Thursday.
After that, we went to Culver's for my birthday lunch. Then Jake stopped at the house to pay Dave, the carpenter, whom we have nicknamed David the Gnome. He's short and stout and has a beard, not what we were expecting. Lila and I went back to the apartment. She fell asleep just as we got to the complex, but stayed asleep as I brought her inside. And her birthday present to me was letting me take a 2 hour nap with her. It was beautiful.
After that we waited around for Jake to get home. Poor Lila fell and hit her face on a box on the way down, so now she has a bruise and a goose egg between her eyes! It was so sad! I feel so bad. Poor baby! I put a little pigtail on the top of her head today, and that was adorable. She kind of has a baby mullet going on, but her hair is starting to have a wave in it, which is super cute.
Jake got stuck waiting for a funeral procession on his way home from work. A police officer was killed here recently; the first ever to be killed in Kalamazoo. Today was his funeral. Jake was really tired/stressed and wanted to get home to take me to dinner, so he was pretty cranky about it. I told him that I'd rather him be stuck in traffic than be the one in the casket, so to relax.
We went to Finlay's, because you get a free $11 meal there if it's your birthday. Lila was a complete tyrant though. She didn't want to sit in the booth, she wanted to walk all over the restaurant. So there was lots of whining and yelping, and when we put her in the booth, she tried to climb over us to get to the floor. And then she fell and hit her head again while walking, so we eventually packed up our food and left. lol. We totally should've gotten a babysitter.
After that we went to the house to sweep the floors in prep for the carpet installation. The sun came out which was nice for me. On the way home stopped for a Culver's sundae that I had a coupon for. Mike called to chat as Jake and Lila were getting ready for bed. Got off the phone with Mike so that Jake and Lila could go to bed, and Dan called to talk about his issues. lol. Dan actually sounded great. He's completely through with Kelsey and is actually planning on moving back to Ironwood to live with his folks. He's feeling very stuck in Midland... working for Jimmy John's. Wants to go to college so that he can get a good job. He originally called to wish me happy birthday, actually, which was really sweet... told me he thought I'd appreciate hearing from my favorite brother-in-law. Got lots of Facebook birthday wishes today, some phone calls and emails. Good day.
Jake and Lila are sleeping. Jake was so tired. There's a lot of stress at work right now, on top of everything else going on. Now I'm IM-ing with Mike and Emily. Will head to bed soon.
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